Dear friends,
The Hard Taco song for December is called, "The Paleo," and it will challenge (but ultimately reinforce) all of your preconceived notions about cavemen!
For those of you who have been regular readers of the Hard Taco Digest since 2009, you will be happy for today's installment of Postcards from Panama, the world's most awkward and longstanding unilateral pen pal conversation! To enhance your enjoyment of these letters, you may want to read/reread/rereread some prior Postcards from Panama installments.
Postcards from Panama, Part 10
11/18/2021
Dear Karen,
You're not going to believe this, but the Spanish phrase for post office is "Oficina de Correos," not "Oficina del Postres." I'm embarrassed that I mixed those up! Especially because for the last three years, I've been writing you postcards and dropping them off at a dessert shop. These postcards featured world-class stock photos of Panama's natural and cultural highlights, and the things I wrote on them were equal parts informative and emotional.
There is a woman who works at Oficina del Postres named Natalidad Diversión ("Birthrate Fun"). I assumed she was a postal worker, but I now know she is a pastry chef. The poofy white hat makes more sense now.
I explained to her that the postcards I had been giving her every 10-15 days since November 2018 were intended for my fiancé, and not for her. She didn't make any facial expressions when I explained this, so I don't know the extent to which this was heartbreaking information for her. Interestingly, a lot of people come into the post office/bakery and comment to each other that Natalidad is physically good-looking, but I just see her as a close friend.
The good news is that she only speaks a few words of English, so she had discarded most of the 75+ postcards I had placed in her hand without reading them. That is a relief, because they had intimate and educational information on them. But when I asked directly, she agreed that the few English words she recognized on the postcards were both informative and emotional, in equal measures.
With warmest regards,
Michael
11/20/2021
Dear Karen,
I made an error when I started my last postcard with "you're not going to believe this." Of course you were going to believe it, because it is true! Obviously, I would not have promised to marry you if I thought you were not smart enough to believe things that are true. Likewise, you would have not made a solemn vow to eventually marry me if you thought I was the type of person who would utter falsehoods.
In fact, Karen, I cannot lie at all. You may recall that when we were kids, I refused to be the leader when we played Simon Says. That person must lie repeatedly, because the use of present tense (Simon SAYS) implies knowledge that someone named Simon is currently saying that very phrase/command. So if the leader says something like, "Simon Says Pat Your Head," and Simon is not actively saying that somewhere in the world, they are a liar. (Even typing it made me throw up for 10 minutes.)
I am more willing to play Simon Said and stick to very common phrases and orders that I can feel confident Simon once said, such as, "Simon Said I'm in the Mood for Carryout." Please consider writing back when you have a chance, and let me know your thoughts about this, and other virtues of mine.
With warmest regards,
Michael
11/22/2021
Dear Karen,
How are you? How is your day compared to the last few? I was reviewing my childhood journal and confirmed that on August 1, 1989, at 7:00 pm CST (8:00 pm EST), you and I made a solemn vow that if both of us were single 20 years later, we would marry each other permanently. It's kind of funny when you think about how often we say things that are true, but don't carry the weight of an unbreakable promise, such as "The weather is nice," or "Someone named Simon was once in the mood for carryout."
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