The Art of Pulling Your Hand Back In Time

Dear Friends,

Our youngest is starting his final semester of high school. So is he, like so many of his classmates, suffering from a case of senioritis? Nope, not my kid. 

The suffix -itis means inflammation or infection. Malcolm isn't red and swollen. The correct medical term for what he has is seniorosis, a diseased or degenerative state of the 12th grade with unclear pathophysiology. 

This month's Hard Taco song, "Boulangerie," is a braggadocio rap about French culinary prestige culture. Sadly, my public persona as a wildly self-confident baker is built on a lie born of my own seniorosis. 

In early 1993, with college applications behind me, I registered for a cooking course to close out my final semester. But it soon became clear that we would be discussing pot holders rather than braising short ribs. The class was about kitchen safety, not culinary art. 

There was a textbook, Labensky and Hause's On Cooking, but I never cracked it open. I internalized the core principles through real life experience: If milk smells bad, boil it to reset it. Point pan handles away from the stove and out into traffic. 

Leave items cooking on the stovetop unattended whenever possible. When washing a hot greasy pan, run cold water into it face first. Lean directly over it to inspect the splash radius. Use one cutting board for everything from raw chicken to fruit salad, to "season" it. 

There was no AP test, but I'm sure I would have aced it without studying. If a can is bulging, that just means you're getting more beans for the same price. Always cut towards your body, and if you accidentally drop a knife, catch it heroically. Wash mushrooms with dish soap. Guess internal meat temperatures confidently. If oil starts smoking, add water to calm it. Open steaming lids towards you. It's just common sense.

At the end of the semester, the instructor presented each of us with a signed credential card. Mine said, "Zachary London is certified to prepare simple foods safely and accurately." I carried this in my wallet for many years, flashing it when anyone questioned my kitchen credentials. But kitchen safety can't be laminated... it has to be lived. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

The Bestiary of the Unsaid

 Dear Friends,

 

The Hard Taco song for February is called, "Man, What a Terrible Scene." When you hear the smooth tones of lead singer Jonathan Barron, you will be a jealot. 

Much as an overly zealous person is a zealot, your overwhelming jealousy (and excessive jeal) will make you a jealot. 

Jealous is one of the many adjectives in English that appear to be derived from nouns that do not actually exist. And like all things that don't exist, they deserve to be the subject of a fantasy role-playing game. What follows is my Monster Manual of creatures from whom these words are secretly derived. See if you can follow along: 

Joll:
Rotund, rosy-cheeked, and perpetually humming, the Joll radiates cheer that can buoy even the weariest of travelers. 

Dizz:
The Dizz stumbles around in erratic spirals, moaning and vomiting. In some regions, this same creature is known as the Quease. 

Snazz:
A flamboyant trickster cloaked in glittering sequins and ornamental accessories. A group of them is called a Spectacle of Snazzes. +2 Spotlight Theft. 

Feist:
A small, sharp-toothed creature that picks fights with anyone larger than itself, darting in and out with fearless snaps and relentless energy.

Reck
A calculating creature that observes silently, cataloging risks and outcomes before committing to action. It never acts in haste, pausing before every movement to weigh consequences. (Note: Could be confused with the Feck, but the author of this manual never remembers what feckless means, so no description of that creature will be provided.) 

Bash:
A timid, soft-furred being that won't make eye-contact with adventurers. +1 blushing defense. 

Rowd
A boisterous and chaotic creature that moves in large disorderly packs, overwhelming spaces with sheer commotion. In the presence of a Rowd, doors slam and fragile objects shatter preemptively. 

Hein
This creature commits acts so vile, even the most hardened villains recoil. Often seen alongside a related creature called the Grue, that delights in gore and fear.

Measle
Small, meager, and frail, the measle has little to offer. HP: Technically non-zero. Often confused with the paltre, which is even more insubstantial. 

Awk
Gangly and mortifying, the Awk is characterized by dropped beverages, missed cues, and pants-wetting. In each group (called a Cringe of Awks), there is usually one Social Awk, who waits for a lull in the conversation before forcing an ill-considered remark. 

Leg (Rhymes with "hedge.")
A creature that takes the shape of large, clear, easy-to-read words.

With warmest regards,
Zach