Dear Friends,
The Hard Taco song for August is called, "Fig Leaves." This song pairs well with monster truck rallies, military parades, yacht christenings, and pet funerals. I would not recommend it for candlelight vigils, naturalization ceremonies, or as interstitial music between TED Talks.
This summer, Malcolm achieved licensure/certification to drive a motorboat in Wisconsin, allowing him to serve as waterski instructor at his sleep away camp. The certification does not have reciprocity in other states, so I assume the written test covered Wisconsin-specific safety topics, such as Musky right-of-way etiquette.
The camp administration covered the fees his boat safety course and certificate. This got him thinking — what if he wanted to level up his Wisconsin DNR privileges? How much would it cost to be certified in... everything? For starters, there are sixteen recreational pay-to-kill licenses, including deer, bear, and wolf hunting, fur dresser/dyer, general fishing, and sturgeon-spearing. You can also get inland trout stamps, the pheasant stamp, and goose permits. All told, you can compete the murder-everything grand slam for an annual fee of $547.75.Bloodsport tourism is only one item on the menu. The DNR stands ready to cater to every conceivable outdoor appetite. Want to harvest wild rice and ginseng? Or maybe you'd like to sample a bit of light deforestation? A prescribed burn permit, a bough permit, a holiday tree permit, and the mysterious "fine woody material permit" would tack on an additional $200.
But perhaps you have outgrown these provincial indulgences? Curious about what it feels like to befoul Wisconsin's lakes and rivers? Valued patrons can purchase every line item on the DNR waterway and wetland fee sheet for $17,128. This includes boathouse certification, five acres of wetland identification, dam and utility permits, and the aquatic plant permit that allows you to pour herbicides and pesticides into the state's lakes.
Finally, for the most discerning connoisseurs of environmental degradation, the real delights await behind the curtain: Wisconsin's air pollution permits. Sure, the $231,500 fee is not cheap, but a true sportsman recognizes a bargain when he sees one. Why settle for anything less than the maximum emission credit permits, every available exemption, and the maximum fixed Title V and non-Title V annual fee categories? And of course, that doesn't include the emissions themselves, which are $35.71 per billable ton of pollutants, capped at 5000 tons per pollutant. To be clear, that cap is the fee cap, not a safety limit. Once you exceed 5000 tons, you are free to keep polluting for no additional fees! Most of our VIP recreational polluters will max out at least three pollutants at that cap.
This brings the grand total to $749,873 for the first year. This all-access fee will give you carte blanche to kill any wild animal in the state, destroy as many trees and plants as you desire, and pump the water and air with an unlimited quantity of deadly pollutants. Now it's quite possible that the air/water quality will kill off the fee collectors at the DNR, in which case, subsequent years will be free!
Sorry, I forgot to mention that it will also be $10 for that ski-boat driving certificate.
With warmest regards,
Zach
