Are you exhausted from writing a unique and thought-provoking essay every 28-31 days for over two decades? Same, girl, same. Fortunately, sometime in the early 2000s, I developed a proprietary Mad lib-based algorithm that does almost all the work for me. All I have to do is randomly choose among a few predetermined choices, and the Hard Taco Digest basically writes itself. For the first time, I'm offering a look under the hood.
Dear (Friends / Executive Advisory Committee Members / Mrs. Claus),
The Hard Taco song for (October / the proletariat / six easy installments of $5.99) is called "Jeremiah's Place.”
You’re going to (love / plagiarize / be traumatized by) this song because it (slaps / begs one to linger / will help you lose that stubborn belly fat). Also, it rhymes (Seattle with Skedaddle / Houston with Produced In / Miami with Salami because it is in Spanish).
(Speaking of which / Welp / You forget yourself, sir), you can’t step outside these days without running into a (clump / rogue’s gallery / specimen cupful) of (memorial benches / Adopt-a-Highway programs / Arctic Islanders). It’s sickening.
But it's like (my Nonna / the Virgin Mary / the icing on the erotic cake) always said:
(Pick one)
- An enemy isn't technically a sworn enemy until they get it notarized.
- Single payer healthcare sounds great until it’s your turn to be the payer.
- You’re not stupid, Salman Rushdie. You just need to apply yourself.
- Join me and together we shall at last bring order to the universe. Join me or die!
- Buyer’s remorse is common after breast augmentation surgery, so start with one boob and live with it for a couple of years to make sure you’re committed.
- A great surname for a Romanian superhero is Todorescu (pronounced “To the rescue!”)
- You can’t de-ice a plane without DEI.
- Never put metal in the microwave, unless it’s the one true Ring of Power, in which case it will allow you to read the glyphs.
Which, of course, begs the question:
(Pick one)
- Do zombies lactate?
- So are you going to tell us the name of your supplier or should I keep this anti-serum to myself?
- Can unicorns breathe through their horn like a snorkel?
- If you have a first-class ticket and the bathroom is occupied, can you pee in the cockpit?
(With warmest regards/ Much to consider / Unhand me at once),
Zach
