Dear Friends,
What was your favorite world in Super Mario Brothers? If it's the one where Mario navigates through a giant treacherous outline, you're going to feel right at home with the Hard Taco Digest this month.
I. New Album is Here and, in Theory, Awesome
II. Hard Taco's TV Debut
III. Bravo and Oxygen Get First Dibs at the Reject Bin
IV. An Apology
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I. New Album is Here and, in Theory, Awesome
The new Hard Taco album, "Forced to Breed in Captivity," has arrived as of today, and it is theoretically awesome. I realize that "Peaceful Easy Feeling" by the Eagles is your favorite song of all time. Therefore, to keep the universe in balance, it is your karmic obligation to make "Forced to Breed in Captivity" your favorite album of all time.
Here’s the skinny. Eleven remixed, remastered versions of some of your favorite songs from the Hard Taco Project website over the last two years, in an enitrely different order. Now add in four previously unreleased songs, and cute cover art. If you're breathing too hard to keep reading, go lie down with your feet up on a table for a few minutes. Oops! You just crushed your Cassingle of "Peaceful Easy Feeling." I think it's a sign!
II. Hard Taco's TV Debut
This is moderately exciting, and entirely true. A one-minute Hard Taco Song, "RunPuppyRun" is being used in TV commercials for the Discovery Network's upcoming TV event, "Puppy Bowl," which will air during the Superbowl on Animal Planet. I went to the Animal Planet website to find out a little more about the show. Apparently, Puppy Bowl offers "the chance to simply watch puppies. Settle in and prepare to ooh and ahh as they play, eat, sleep and interact with each other." For three straight hours. During the Superbowl.
Naturally, this comes as a major blow to an already ailing FOX Network. Coors, Levitra, and Radio Shack can finally shift their advertising dollars from a handful of nerdy "football enthusiasts" to the largest untapped demographic... people who like to watch puppies interact with each other. But it gets better... these dogs actually sleep! On televsion! You want to talk ratings? Nielsen himself is probably popping a boner in his grave just thinking about it.
I know what you’re thinking. You can’t miss the Superbowl because after all these years, the Eagles are playing. Honestly, they’re really not that exciting any more. The lineup has changed a lot over the years, and if you don’t believe me, go look at the credits on that Cassingle you just broke.
III. Bravo and Oxygen Get First Dibs at the Reject Bin
The sad truth is that for every stupid jingle that gets picked up by a major cable TV station, one, and sometimes as many as two stupid jingles are turned down. That is why I uploaded three short songs this month instead of one. "RunPuppyRun" is there, as well as two asinine ditties that were summarily rejected by Animal Planet, entitled "Puppy Bowl" and "Pooch Punt."
I realize now how confusing it must have been to them that one of the songs was called "Puppy Bowl" when that was also the name of the show. I bet the Animal Planet upper management, with their third quarter earnings reports and matching cummerbunds, are highly trained in effective boardroom communication. Nevertheless, this song must have confused them. "Excuse me, Ms. Vice President of Emerging Markets, do you refer to 'Puppy Bowl' the song or 'Puppy Bowl' the show? Christ, Eileen, get a hold of yourself! (Slap!)" For nearly an hour, they were all waving their arms around in the air and howling like monkeys, jumping up and down on their lacquered executive tables. If one of the interns hadn't dove across the table, grabbed the CD out of the CEO's hand, and hurled himself out the 40th story window, the whole network would have gone belly up within minutes.
As you can see, my psychological defense mechanisms are fairly complicated.
IV. An Apology
Finally, I apologize for using the word "boner," especially in a manner that could be deemed disrespectful to any deceased media ratings moguls. Next month, I will ask Paul McCartney to write the Hard Taco Digest for me.
With Warmest Regards,
HT
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