Animal Planet Hates 2/3 of My Offerings

Dear Friends,

  What was your favorite world in Super Mario Brothers? If it's the one where Mario navigates through a giant treacherous outline, you're going to feel right at home with the Hard Taco Digest this month.

I. New Album is Here and, in Theory, Awesome

II. Hard Taco's TV Debut

III. Bravo and Oxygen Get First Dibs at the Reject Bin

IV. An Apology

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I. New Album is Here and, in Theory, Awesome

The new Hard Taco album, "Forced to Breed in Captivity," has arrived as of today, and it is theoretically awesome. I realize that "Peaceful Easy Feeling" by the Eagles is your favorite song of all time. Therefore, to keep the universe in balance, it is your karmic obligation to make "Forced to Breed in Captivity" your favorite album of all time.

Here’s the skinny. Eleven remixed, remastered versions of some of your favorite songs from the Hard Taco Project website over the last two years, in an enitrely different order. Now add in four previously unreleased songs, and cute cover art. If you're breathing too hard to keep reading, go lie down with your feet up on a table for a few minutes. Oops! You just crushed your Cassingle of "Peaceful Easy Feeling." I think it's a sign!

II. Hard Taco's TV Debut

This is moderately exciting, and entirely true. A one-minute Hard Taco Song, "RunPuppyRun" is being used in TV commercials for the Discovery Network's upcoming TV event, "Puppy Bowl," which will air during the Superbowl on Animal Planet.  I went to the Animal Planet website to find out a little more about the show. Apparently, Puppy Bowl offers "the chance to simply watch puppies. Settle in and prepare to ooh and ahh as they play, eat, sleep and interact with each other." For three straight hours. During the Superbowl.

Naturally, this comes as a major blow to an already ailing FOX Network. Coors, Levitra, and Radio Shack can finally shift their advertising dollars from a handful of nerdy "football enthusiasts" to the largest untapped demographic... people who like to watch puppies interact with each other. But it gets better... these dogs actually sleep! On televsion! You want to talk ratings? Nielsen himself is probably popping a boner in his grave just thinking about it.

I know what you’re thinking. You can’t miss the Superbowl because after all these years, the Eagles are playing. Honestly, they’re really not that exciting any more. The lineup has changed a lot over the years, and if you don’t believe me, go look at the credits on that Cassingle you just broke.

III. Bravo and Oxygen Get First Dibs at the Reject Bin

The sad truth is that for every stupid jingle that gets picked up by a major cable TV station, one, and sometimes as many as two stupid jingles are turned down.  That is why I uploaded three short songs this month instead of one. "RunPuppyRun" is there, as well as two asinine ditties that were summarily rejected by Animal Planet, entitled "Puppy Bowl" and "Pooch Punt."

I realize now how confusing it must have been to them that one of the songs was called "Puppy Bowl" when that was also the name of the show. I bet the Animal Planet upper management, with their third quarter earnings reports and matching cummerbunds, are highly trained in effective boardroom communication. Nevertheless, this song must have confused them.  "Excuse me, Ms. Vice President of Emerging Markets, do you refer to 'Puppy Bowl' the song or 'Puppy Bowl' the show? Christ, Eileen, get a hold of yourself! (Slap!)" For nearly an hour, they were all waving their arms around in the air and howling like monkeys, jumping up and down on their lacquered executive tables. If one of the interns hadn't dove across the table, grabbed the CD out of the CEO's hand, and hurled himself out the 40th story window, the whole network would have gone belly up within minutes.

As you can see, my psychological defense mechanisms are fairly complicated.

IV. An Apology

Finally, I apologize for using the word "boner," especially in a manner that could be deemed disrespectful to any deceased media ratings moguls. Next month, I will ask Paul McCartney to write the Hard Taco Digest for me.

With Warmest Regards,

HT

Wisdom of a Founding Father

Dear friends,

  Every month I start my newsletter with those two words, and there is a reason. You are all my closest friends. Seriously!!! In fact, just thinking about it I find myself having to wipe a glorious single tear off my cheek. A few minutes ago I was really struggling to think of a greeting card-caliber proverb or a sentimental aphorism to match this symbolic tear, but my own mind wasn't inventive enough to express the appropriate degree of tenderness. That's when I decided to consult the hundred dollar man himself, Benjamin Franklin.  

  As you probably know, Benjamin Franklin wrote, "Poor Richard's Almanac," an entire book of quotes (most of which start with "I quote myself, saying...") Franklin penned this manifesto of maxims shortly after the Revolutionary War, during which he saw many of his most trusted companions become Tories and join the redcoats in battle against his countrymen. Many of his adages about friendship were especially apropos to these times, including:

"Beware old friends like meat twice boiled"

"Best friends, like fish, stink after three days"

"Two friends may keep a secret if both of them are dead."

"The only difference between friends and enemies is that enemies won't lend you the stick to beat them with."

"A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move the first friend's body after you beat him to death with a stick."

  My views about friendship are much more traditional. In fact, I just came up with my own proverb:  "It's no coincidence that the words 'friendly' and 'friend' share the same root." I don't think one proverb is enough to publish a whole book of quotes, but I'm going to keep working on it.

  I am also working on a side project, which is to compile a complete list of real life best friends. I think I'm just about done, but if you can think of any more that should be on this list, let me know...

The Lone Ranger  -  Tonto

Blossom  -  Six

Mike Seaver -  Richard "Boner" Stabone

Ricky Schroder - Alfonso

Theo Huxtable - Cockroach

  The song for February is called, "Best Friends Forever." Even though I generally express myself best with lists (see above) I thought I'd give music a shot, too. A lot of people are asking me if the guy I'm singing the song with is actually my real life best friend. Unfortunately, my publicist has told me not to answer that question directly. I am supposed to segue back to plugging the last Hard Taco album or talk about the Golden Globes. 

With warmest regards,

HT