Mud: It's for Slinging

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for November is called, “The Penny Seats Are Nothing But Trouble.” These Penny Seats apparently are a theatre company in Ann Arbor, and let me tell you something… they are bad news. If you look up “Up to no good” in the dictionary, you will find that it’s not there, because it’s more of a phrase than a word. If you squint, however, you can imagine a picture of those Penny Seats crammed in the tiny space between “uptight” and “uptown.”

Listen to “The Penny Seats Are Nothing But Trouble,” because Merriam and Webster agree: these lovely Hard Taco songs are the very definition of the word, “Up to Some Good.”

Poll-ish Mustard: How to Forget Not to Vote Tomorrow

This may be the last thing you read before mid-term elections, so I feel obligated to volunteer my endorsements for the Michigan gubernatorial race. I am in a unique position to provide coverage of this race, because I have access to my answering machine. The rest of the year, when I pick up the phone and there’s a long pause, it is usually followed by heavy breathing. But come October of an even-numbered year, that pause is invariably precedes an attack ad against one of the candidates (or if they really want my vote, heavy breathing followed by an attack ad.) Here is what my answering machine has to say about our gubernatorial candidates, Virg Bernero (D) and Rick Snyder (R).

Virg Bernero wants to write a blank check to the same career politicians who spent the last four years trimming the thumbnails of Big Insurance.

Rick Snyder wants the tears of the hard-working working class and occasionally-hard-working upper middle class families to smear the mascara of his right wing agenda all over the dirty hands of the Lansing mandatory abortion lobby.

Virg Bernero will weaken… our teachers’ rights… to bear arms… in the classroom.

Rick Snyder will earmark the largest tax breaks for corporations that ship our jobs to China and India.

Virg Bernero will also ship our jobs overseas, but he will encourage them to use biofuel to power those ships.

Rick Snyder thinks our smallest children should have no accountability for funding their own education.

Virg Bernero is glad-handing away our national security to Socialist carpetbaggers who want to jeopardize the pork barrel fat we could be spending on bailouts, witch hunts, cronyism, and Carny-ism.

Rick Snyder wants to hand over decisions about the health care of our seniors (our state’s most precious resource) to Wall Street. For most other decisions, he will defer to the judgment of

Bourbon Street

.

According to a source close to his party, Virg Bernero has never even been Governor of a state. Not a single one in his whole  entire life.

Rick Snyder says, “I am anxious to remove my own intestines and use them to hang wrongly convicted criminals.” (Detroit Free Press 10/0/1993)

Virg Bernero says, “I am anxious to remove my intestines just so I have a hole in my abdominal cavity that I can stuff more tax dollars into.” (Lansing Infernal Sun Star 4/4/2003)

Rick Snyder can’t wait for his chums in the military industrial complex to start suckling at the unsustainable teat of our state’s most precious resource, our revolving door criminals. WTF, Rick?

Virg Bernero is Godless.

Rick Snyder worships a God who is completely out of touch with working class families.

Virg Bernero’s policies will return this state to the sovereign rule of England within one month.

Rick Snyder’s policies don’t matter because he is a racist fascist imperialist wrinkly pervert-groping unwashed bloated snot-loving boozehound sissy who probably loves to eat his own snot.

Virg Bernero fathered a race of walrus children out of wedlock. Yes, a vote for Bernero is a vote for politics as usual.

With warmest regards,

Zach