Sacred Blood Pact or Profane Phlegm-oath?

Dear Friends,

I. You're going to need this: ( )

It's an electronic representation of an opposing thumb and index finger, ready to pinch you. Why do you need electronic pinching? Because there is a glistening new Hard Taco album, “Approach Approach Conflict," and nothing could be dreamier.

The President of the United States has already released this statement:

"Holla, fellow Americans. At this time I wish I was in a deep coma, so I could finally listen to Hard Taco's Approach Approach Conflict 24 hours a day without missing state dinners. I only regret that strangling all nine Supreme Court justices won't free up enough seats to appoint all the marvelous musicians who played on this album. Somebody e-pinch me!"

Get some Hard Taco CDs today, because otherwise I’ll stop bugging you.

II. What is up? Therefore, up is what. Q.E.D.

Remember 17 years ago, when I guaranteed one new Hard Taco song a month, even though I despise doing it with all my heart? I was hoping you’d forget by now, but a promise is a promise. (A = A. Q.E.D.) Whether it was a sacred blood pact or merely a profane phlegm-oath, I suppose I’ll have to make good.

The Hard Taco song for December is called, "Secret Chaver." Unless you're that guy at the soup kitchen who actually ladles the soup, there is no better use of your next four minutes than listening to this song. (Yes, I'm talking to you, guy who buses trays at the soup kitchen.) 

III. Why You Should Not Call Child Protective Services on Me

Quick confession. I let my kids watch a PG-13 movie, even though their ages multiplied by each other are still less than 13.  In my defense, I had seen seven R-rated movies by time I was in eighth grade, and the life lessons I learned from them prepared me for high school better than all anatomically correct dolls in Wisconsin. Here’s how:

Revenge of the Nerds (1984) - The most touching scene in this movie is when Nerds pour a powerful liniment onto a pile of the football players' jock straps. My friends and I spent a great deal of time speculating about what we would do with a bottle of that product, and an equal amount of time speculating about what purpose jock straps served.

The Terminator (1984) - David Kleinman, a fellow fifth grader, prepped me for this one by explaining that it "takes place in the future when the machines have become self-conscious." That premise alone kept me up at night. After seeing the movie a few years later, I realized he meant, "self-aware." Of course, a dystopian future in which machines are easily embarrassed would have been a far more pragmatic fear. Sarah Connor tries to sign in to her desktop as “Guest,” but the speaker volume becomes barely audible and the monitor turns away bashfully! In the next scene, she tries to give a presentation at work, but the projector keeps pointing the slides at her feet and flipping through them way too fast! Truly chilling. 

Stand By Me (1986) - A coming-of-age story reeking with universal themes.  Stand By Me helped me appreciate that I wasn't the only kid who felt overshadowed by an older sibling or who made an entire town throw up blueberry pie in unison. 

Good Morning Vietnam (1987) - The first R-rated movie I saw in the theaters. My mom vetted it ahead of time and decided it was important for her children to understand the horrors of the Vietnam War and the beneficial effects of cocaine on comic timing.

The Running Man (1987) and Predator (1987) – Everyone knows Arnold Schwarzenegger popularized the Kill Quip, in which you waste a guy, and then make a pun about the proximate cause of death. Don't be so hung up on things. I always knew you liked to get plastered. What’s going through your mind right now… my fist? It means a lot to see you opening up like this. I guess you're just lack-toes intolerant. The real tragedy of the Kill Quip is that no one gets to hear the joke except the bad guy, and he’s too busy being already decapitated to really enjoy it. After Arnold says, "I'm having a rather knife day," the Predator should at least have the courtesy to chuckle a little bit before spitting out fluorescent blood and exploding. 

The Lost Boys (1987) – All of my childhood idols were in this movie… Corey Haim (Lucas), Corey Feldman (The Goonies), Corey Hart (“Sunglasses at Night”), Corey Dillon (Cincinnati Bengals 1997-2003), John Le Corré (“The Spy Who Came in From the Cold”) and the Cori Cycle (converting lactate into glucose.)

With warmest regards,

Zach