Byzantine Angst

Dear Friends,

Here at Hard Taco, we strive to bring you unique musical experiences. This month's song, "Welcome to the Placebo Arm," is the first recorded prog rock song about industry-sponsored pharmaceutical trials. 

For our 25th wedding anniversary, Lauren planned a secret trip for the family. We were told to pack for "normal weather," and when we got to the airport, the destination was revealed through the solution of this Strands Puzzle.  I found three words and correctly surmised that we were headed to Rome!

Except that we weren't, because the third word was supposed to be GYRO, not ORGY. Which makes a lot more sense for a family vacation. Update: We were headed to Greece!

I love rubble, so Greece has long been on my bucket list, but prior to this trip, I didn't know much about it. I grew up reading D'Aulaire's book of Greek Mythology, so I already knew that Apollo was the god of music, poetry, light, and motorcyclists who weave between two lanes of traffic. But I never got past the second chapter of D'Aulaire's book of Greek Reality. 

• Chapter 1: Socrates, Euclid, and Giannis Antetokounmpo team up to invent democracy and the triangle. 
• Chapter 2: Thousands of people stream out of a cruise ship and wander into traffic. 

Anyway, we're now four days into the trip, and it has been magical. I've seen so much rubble, and I've learned enough to be over-qualified to write this definitive guide. 

Quick Facts about Greece:

Symbolism of the flag: An overhead view of a stray cat impaled on a cypress tree.

Most common occupation: Headless, armless sculpture model.

National Flower: The hairy-chested peony.

Exports: Three-letter words that are processed overseas and reused as fraternity names.

Things that hang from clotheslines in alleyways: Laundry, octopus. feta slabs.

Width of two-way roads: 1 meter, including both sidewalks.

National anthem: A symphony of suitcase wheels over cobblestones,

Legendary battle: Thermopylae, where 300 Spartans kept 200,000 immigrants at bay by standing around on a street corner, smoking and complaining.  

How to say Cheers: Εβίβα, which means, "May your enemy's swords be melted down and used for Chobani lids."

Politics: Feuding city-states, hoplite brinksmanship.

Favorite Labor of Hercules: Subduing ten island-hopping yacht owners.

National pastime: Smashing an ancient urn that says APHRODITE and glueing it back together so it says HOT DIAPER. 

Celebrities Who Culturally Appropriated Greek Letters: Catherine Zeta Jones, PSY, Delta Burke.

National emblem: John Stamos sipping hemlock among toppled columns and marble ruins. 

Fashion aesthetic: Mosaic-core.

With warmest regards,

Zach

Romulus and Remus - The Dark Side of Foster Care

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for March is called "Romans." In honor of this ode to the ancients, let us retell the story of how Rome was founded.

Once there was an ancient Latin she-wolf who really wanted children, but she was already seven years old; her mythological clock was ticking.

She went to the local adoption agency to discuss fostering a human boy. The agent was happy to introduce her to the orphans, all of whom had names ending in -us. 

This is Tiberius. He is the rightful heir to Tibur, and was abandoned on a mountaintop by the king's brother.

This is Titus, the rightful heir to Crustumerium. He was left to die in a forest clearing because there is a prophesy that he'll kill his father someday. 

Here we have Cyrus Atticus, the illegitimate son of Jupiter and a random woman who was sleeping when he came to her in the form of a golden rain that seeped in through the roof and went straight up her womb. Since the sleeping woman was to blame for temping the god, Juno turned her into a crippled newt, and abandoned the baby in a cave. 

This is Marcus Justus. He was abandoned by a river god and was about to be consumed by a valley siren when he was found by a wood sprite, who took pity on him and brought him to a ditch nymph. 

This is Gus. The seers haven't said anything about him, but I have a hunch he will marry his own mother on the eve of his 18th birthday. 

Finally, meet Romulus and Remus. Twin sons of Mars and a vestal virgin. Another classic non-consensual pairing. These little spitfires were abandoned in a wicker basket and set afloat in the river. 

The she-wolf felt a real connection to the twins, but she didn't think she could handle two crying infants. She was a single mom, and she wasn't exactly 3 years old anymore!

The agent sensed her hesitation. "I couldn't help but notice you have eight teats, which is more than enough for two manchilds to give suck. And more to the point, you wouldn't separate siblings, would you?"

She agreed that the brothers would have an easier time adjusting if they grew up together. She also admitted that she had a lot of teats she wasn't using.

And so she brought home the twins, and proceeded to suckle them with her eight great teats. They (the boys) grew quickly, and within a few years, they were shepherds, warriors, and respected leaders in the community.

One day, they decided to build a city together. The construction went very quickly. They erected buildings, columns and aqueducts in a matter of hours. By 10 pm, the city was really coming together, when the twins got into a disagreement about transportation accessibility, and everything came to a grinding halt. Romulus felt that all roads should lead to this new city, while Remus believed that it would be adequate if some roads led there. Things escalated, and after nearly an hour of arguing, Romulus impaled his brother with a spear. Due to fratricide-related construction delays, Rome was not built in a day. It took about a day and a half.

The lesson, I suppose, is that it's best to separate siblings when you adopt.

With warmest regards,
Zach