My Mom's Poems Kick Your Mom's Poems' Asses

Dear Friends,

If you're not in rabbinic school, you may download the new Hard Taco song, "Dovetails" right now.

Today, I would like to pay tribute to one of the greatest bards of the modern era. She is one of the most prolific contemporary American poets, and yet she has never been published... until now. I speak, of course, of my mother, Roberta London. For years I have been haunting the auction houses, scouring garage sales, and scanning through endless reels of microfiche at the Library of Congress. At long last, I have acquired what I believe to be the largest anthology of Roberta London poems anywhere in the world. Now, for the first time ever, these poems have been published online, and they are available exclusively to readers of the Hard Taco Digest. Included are such great works as "You Put the Meaning in the 'F' Word: 'Friend'" and "To Spartacus Fartacus Upon the Occasion of His Recovery From Lumbar Laminectomy of Level 3/4 and 4/5." See here to enjoy this robust collection of long, elegant poems.

 

Speaking of things that are long and elegant, yet robust, I am totally obsessed with the Hummer Limousine! You may have seen these on the streets, but you might not realize that they are the most fearsome military apparatus on the planet.  The Hummer Limo can transport up to 22 armed soldiers over some of the world's the most rugged and uninviting terrain. It's the only stretch limousine with 9.1 inches of ground clearance, a 37.5 degree approach angle and the capacity to ford up to 24 inches of water! It also has 3 plasma screen TV's, a wet bar, a fireplace and a mirror ball. Most of them have been deployed to battle zones already, but there are a handful back in the states, and they are available to civilians for rental! Here are some common scenarios in which you may choose to rent a Hummer Limo:

1. It's prom night, but the school gym is being fumigated, so the dance has been moved 800 miles north into the heart of the Yukon tundra.

2. You need to transport a squad of green berets into enemy territory for a rescue mission, but you forgot to put them through basic training first. If only you could secure a vehicle that has an X-box so they can play HALO on their way to the mission...

3. A dozen of your most important clients just flew in from Japan, and they wired a message to your office saying that they want a "Disco Party in a Volcano." It might be a mistranslation, but do you really want to take chances with a two million dollar account?

The Hard Taco song for April is called "Dovetails." Those of you that are rabbinic students may now download it. I just wanted to make you guys wait to give everyone else a chance for once.

With Warmest Regards,

HT

Compost Toasties

Dear Friends,

Hard Taco records different types of songs, which are powered by different forms of energy. There are acoustic songs, which are powered by "kinetic energy," and electric songs, which are powered by "compost."  For those of you who don’t dabble in thermo-environmentalism, composting is the process of harnessing organic chemistry from clinical rot to power up some awesomely loud electric guitars.  The bad news is, the only things I routinely throw away are meat and metal shelves, neither of which is recommended for composting. In fact, I have to make three or four special trips to the grocery store a week to buy things that will eventually rot, like fresh cabbage and pizza crusts. When I get home, I place them directly onto the compost pile. One month later, we have enough electricity to record a medium-length song!

By the way, conventional electricity is measured in terms of watt-hours, but power is measured in Newtons, which is what we use (more expensive, but better sound quality.)

Anyway, that explains why we generally only record one song a month, and it also explains why I spend a lot of time in grocery store checkout lines.

If I happen to glance at the front page of certain periodicals every now and then, it's only because I'm checking them out for composting purposes. Now, I don't actually read tabloids, but I have noticed a disturbing trend that I find interesting for medical reasons.  Last week I saw a headline that read, "300 pound Kirstie Alley Collapses." One shelf below, another one said "Rosie O'Donnell goes on Binge, Collapses at Ranch." Do you see what’s going on? As it turns out, the endpoint of obesity is not heart disease or diabetes, but actual bodily collapse.

For those of you who have never seen someone collapse, it is much more dramatic than merely falling down. The way it works is this: You're gaining weight, gaining weight, and one day you reach a certain critical mass, cross some invisible threshold, and BAM! You suddenly undergo a violent process that is a cross between having a stroke and being instantly deboned. The other major feature that separates collapsing from traditional diseases is the emotional response of onlookers. Heart attacks, for instance, are generally felt to be terrible, while collapsing is usually described as disgusting and pathetic.

The Hard Taco Song this month is called "The Sewing Circle Kills Again." For the next 1000 years, everyone will think of this song whenever someone mentions "cool" and "March '05" in the same sentence. BELIEVE ME. After that, those words will probably remind people of something cool that happens in March, 3005. I don't recommend waiting that long. Get in on the ground floor and download this song today!

With warmest regards

HT

Animal Planet Hates 2/3 of My Offerings

Dear Friends,

  What was your favorite world in Super Mario Brothers? If it's the one where Mario navigates through a giant treacherous outline, you're going to feel right at home with the Hard Taco Digest this month.

I. New Album is Here and, in Theory, Awesome

II. Hard Taco's TV Debut

III. Bravo and Oxygen Get First Dibs at the Reject Bin

IV. An Apology

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I. New Album is Here and, in Theory, Awesome

The new Hard Taco album, "Forced to Breed in Captivity," has arrived as of today, and it is theoretically awesome. I realize that "Peaceful Easy Feeling" by the Eagles is your favorite song of all time. Therefore, to keep the universe in balance, it is your karmic obligation to make "Forced to Breed in Captivity" your favorite album of all time.

Here’s the skinny. Eleven remixed, remastered versions of some of your favorite songs from the Hard Taco Project website over the last two years, in an enitrely different order. Now add in four previously unreleased songs, and cute cover art. If you're breathing too hard to keep reading, go lie down with your feet up on a table for a few minutes. Oops! You just crushed your Cassingle of "Peaceful Easy Feeling." I think it's a sign!

II. Hard Taco's TV Debut

This is moderately exciting, and entirely true. A one-minute Hard Taco Song, "RunPuppyRun" is being used in TV commercials for the Discovery Network's upcoming TV event, "Puppy Bowl," which will air during the Superbowl on Animal Planet.  I went to the Animal Planet website to find out a little more about the show. Apparently, Puppy Bowl offers "the chance to simply watch puppies. Settle in and prepare to ooh and ahh as they play, eat, sleep and interact with each other." For three straight hours. During the Superbowl.

Naturally, this comes as a major blow to an already ailing FOX Network. Coors, Levitra, and Radio Shack can finally shift their advertising dollars from a handful of nerdy "football enthusiasts" to the largest untapped demographic... people who like to watch puppies interact with each other. But it gets better... these dogs actually sleep! On televsion! You want to talk ratings? Nielsen himself is probably popping a boner in his grave just thinking about it.

I know what you’re thinking. You can’t miss the Superbowl because after all these years, the Eagles are playing. Honestly, they’re really not that exciting any more. The lineup has changed a lot over the years, and if you don’t believe me, go look at the credits on that Cassingle you just broke.

III. Bravo and Oxygen Get First Dibs at the Reject Bin

The sad truth is that for every stupid jingle that gets picked up by a major cable TV station, one, and sometimes as many as two stupid jingles are turned down.  That is why I uploaded three short songs this month instead of one. "RunPuppyRun" is there, as well as two asinine ditties that were summarily rejected by Animal Planet, entitled "Puppy Bowl" and "Pooch Punt."

I realize now how confusing it must have been to them that one of the songs was called "Puppy Bowl" when that was also the name of the show. I bet the Animal Planet upper management, with their third quarter earnings reports and matching cummerbunds, are highly trained in effective boardroom communication. Nevertheless, this song must have confused them.  "Excuse me, Ms. Vice President of Emerging Markets, do you refer to 'Puppy Bowl' the song or 'Puppy Bowl' the show? Christ, Eileen, get a hold of yourself! (Slap!)" For nearly an hour, they were all waving their arms around in the air and howling like monkeys, jumping up and down on their lacquered executive tables. If one of the interns hadn't dove across the table, grabbed the CD out of the CEO's hand, and hurled himself out the 40th story window, the whole network would have gone belly up within minutes.

As you can see, my psychological defense mechanisms are fairly complicated.

IV. An Apology

Finally, I apologize for using the word "boner," especially in a manner that could be deemed disrespectful to any deceased media ratings moguls. Next month, I will ask Paul McCartney to write the Hard Taco Digest for me.

With Warmest Regards,

HT

A Compendium of Lesser Known Natural Disasters

Dear Friends,

  SENSITIVE TOPIC ALERT. I am going to be talking about tsunamis now. If you aren't ready or not bright enough to discuss tsunamis, read no further, because tsunamis are the subject of this essay. I'm going to start by asking myself, "What, exactly, is a tsunami?" I think we all know enough about common natural disasters to have a healthy fear of earthquakes, hurricanes, volcanoes and tornados, but tsunamis were never really on the radar until very recently. Thanks to the international media, we are all learning about things like how to tsunami-proof your workplace and why a tsunami is worse for people who live in ravines than people who live on hummocks.

  However, tsunamis are just one of a considerable list of lesser-known natural disasters which should incapacitate us with fear. Go to your file cabinet right now and grab your most recent homeowner's policy, because you're going to want to know the extent of your coverage for each of these Acts of God.

MUDSLIDE: This one is pretty self-explanatory. When you put mud on an inclined plane, such as a mountainside or the roof of a church, it slides down, blanketing everything in its path in warm, relaxing mud. If you see a mudslide headed your way, be sure to wrap your hair in a towel and put cucumber slices over your eyes.

CYCLONE: Thinner than a tornado, but more conical than a twister. As you know, the National Weather Service names hurricanes after people, such as "Hurricane Andrew." Cyclones, on the other hand, are named after concepts. In 2004 there were cyclones named Justice, Ambiguity, and Virginity.

HOT GEYSER: The scariest thing about hot geysers is that you never know where or when they're going to erupt. Sometimes you hear a gurgling noise right before it goes, but by then it's PRETTY MUCH TOO LATE FOR YOU. If Jerry Bruckheimer really started thinking about hot geysers, I think he'd realize how much dramatic potential they have.

WHIRLPOOL: Every year the lives of thousands of poor, inner city kids are claimed by whirlpools, but you almost never hear about it. You can bet that the first time some middle class white girl falls in a whirlpool they'll be forming a new cabinet position to figure out how to stop them. I, for one, want to go on record having said, "George W. Bush, whirlpools have always been here, whether you like it or not."

TYPHOON: A typhoon is sort of the gobstopper of tropical weather patterns. Basically you start with a common eddy. This is surrounded by a cloudburst, which itself is surrounded by a zephyr.  A small typhoon can be easily confused with a nor'wester, but the larger ones often have the ferocity of a line squall with all the stubbornness of a raging Chinook or a low pressure system.

STAMPEDE: While not technically a natural disaster, a stampede can be just as dangerous. Most laypeople think the best way to avoid a stampede is to stay away from large herds of animals. NOT TRUE.  Travelers have been trampled to death by as few as three buffalo if they are pissed/startled enough.

FLASH FLOOD: The main difference between a standard flood and a flash flood is that the latter tends to occur just when you start to relax and think you are no longer in danger. I know people who tied an inflatable dinghy to their chimney, which is wise. They did not, however, inflate it ahead of time, which is unwise. If you think you're going to have time to blow up a whole dingy during a flash flood, you're not just stupid, but stupid and drowned soon.

FJORDS: I think James Michener died in one of these, but that might have been a dust bowl.

MONSOON: When these are far away, they make a pleasing baritone sound like the instrument for which they are named. However, don't get too close because they can cause both wind and gusts.

TARPITS: These have wiped out entire races of civilized prehumans. The more people and livestock a tarpit consumes, the larger it becomes. There is one in Los Angeles that they weren't able to stop for hundreds of years until someone thought of hosing it down for a long time.

  I don't have space to write more, but I also did research on cave-ins, meteorites, sunspots, glaciers, locusts, eclipses, and sleet. Feel free to ask me about any of these topics if we run into each other.

 

  The Hard Taco song this month is called "Accidents Happen," and it's another chapter of the Hard Tack Medicine Show. If you haven't been keeping up, here is the back story. Osric the Fop has vowed to kill Good King Stereotypies (rhymes with "carry lot o' peas") because of something unsavory the king did a long time ago. However, Osric is distracted from his task by the King's unprincipled wife, the Exotic Queen Stasia. He is so distracted, in fact, that she becomes pregnant. Osric soon realizes that this predicament could actually be an opportunity to recruit the Queen to help him with his mission.

  If you are too worried about typhoons and magma to download the new song, I don't blame you. When you're ready, it will be there for you.

With warmest regards,

HT

The Dangling Horseshoe

Dear Friends,

    Have you gotten the email about the girl who falls out of a ship after eating too much Spanish Fly? 

    How about this one? A man misses his flight because he sees a ghost in his bathroom. Later, he finds out that the plane he was supposed to be on crashed. The ghost was just trying to warn him! 

    How about this? A couple of teenagers are "parking" when they hear on the radio that a psychotic horse has escaped from a nearby farm and may try to kill people. Frightened, the boy decides to take the girl home right away. When they drop her off, they find a horseshoe dangling from the door handle of the passenger seat!

    The people sending you these emails will swear up and down that the stories are true, but they aren't. Here are a few red flags to help you pick out the urban myths:

1. They always happen to "a friend of a friend." No one actually knows the person in the story by name.

2. There is always some kind of moral or lesson (i.e. you shouldn't take Spanish Fly when you're on a boat, or you shouldn't put your lap dog in the microwave to dry its fur.) 

3. There is often some kind of unheeded warning, (i.e. "Whatever you do, don't turn around while the Lord is smiting Sodom and Gemora!")

    I want you to know that the Hard Taco Digest is a source you can trust. I write five to ten completely different emails every month and only send out one. Why? Because if my fact checkers can't verify every single statement with at least two sources, I throw out the entire email and the computer it was written on. 

    With that in mind, I want you to know that the story I'm about to tell you is absolutely true. My friend Roni told me this, and she was directly related to the person who told her the story. 

    Apparently during World War I the United States government employed an elite team of scientists and pseudoscientists to develop a machine that emitted a very specific low frequency... a frequency that caused everyone who heard it to instantly lose control of their bowels. The intention was to unleash this terrifying device on the battlefields of the western front, paralyzing the enemy ground troops. The brave American foot soliders would then come swarming out of their trenches and swiftly neutralize the dumbfounded Germans, who would be rendered completely defenseless by their recent pants-soiling. 

    It was a great idea in theory, but the scientists and pseudoscientists who co-invented this awesome machine were not able to devise a means for using it without exposing themselves to the frequency, as well. In fact, everyone in the Pentagon testing facility lost control of their bowels, including Secretary of State Robert Lansing and a group of Chinese ambassadors touring the facility. The nearby US Mint facility was also affected, and all of the paper money was soiled and had to be cleaned (very carefully, without ripping it.) 

    In the bloody wake of the Battle of Neuve-Chapelle in 1915, the bodies of 11,000 dead British and American soldiers were found, all wearing clean diapers. This led to rumors that Wilson was intending to deploy the machine in combat, after all, but it could never be proven.

    That was the last that anybody heard of the machine. Most people believe that the government is still hiding it somewhere in Los Alamos. They are biding their time, waiting for another ground war or perhaps a race riot to unleash this ungodly device on anyone... and everyone! 

    The Hard Taco song this month is called "Despair." It's part of the Hard Tack Medicine Show and it features Good King Stereotypies and his hairdresser, Benlolo. In case you're not caught up with the plot, the King's first two wives died in shipwrecks greater than twenty years ago, and he is still overcome with grief after all this time. Benlolo is not only his hairdresser, but his most trusted advisor. See how it plays out between these two!  

With warmest regards,

Zach

A Severance Package for the Knocker Up

Dear Friends, 

I would be the first to admit that rock stars get all the attention, but the real excitement takes place behind the scenes. I'd like to dedicate this, the 30th Hard Taco Digest, to the world's most amazing crew. Here are some of the jobs held by our indispensible backstage supporting cast... (I don't know any of their names, but they are all fantastic people!)

1. Manager

2. Sound engineer

3. Brow girl

4. Foister (joiner)

5. Ballaster 

6. Puggard

7. Blentonist (water diviner)

8. Fanwright

9. Shanty Man

10. Bowlminder (where would the band be without well-mided bowls?)

11. Knocker-up

12. Chaff cutter

13. Mangle keeper (will use a mangle for a fee)

14. Inspector of Weights and Measures

15. Cratch maker (Makes ALL cratch including mangers, cribs, and frames)

16. Decoiner

17. Master Lumper

18. Cape beater

19. Scullery maid

20. Loblolly boy (who assists the ship's physician)

21. Jiggerman

22. Bone button turner (makes buttons on a lathe)

23. Zitherist

24. Paling man (seller of street eels and crockery)

25. Arkwright

26. Flax wife (the old maid who rets and dresses flax)

27. Alabasterer (not to be confused with the alabastere, who wields a crossbow but does not work with alabaster.) 

28. Rack maiden (Dresses the ore in tin mines)

29. Checkweighman

30. Dragoon (mounted infantryman)

31. Higgler (tender of fine higgle)

32. Mustard phrenologist

33. Slubber doffer (removes bobbins from spindles) 

34. Groundsel and chickweed peddler (streetseller of common weeds, used to feed songbirds)

35. Cod placer

36. Fancy man

37. Stuff gowsman (junior barrister)

38. Butter carver (makes imprints in butter pats)

39. Hemp and Anchor Smith

40. Daguerreotype monger

41. Plumer (makes or sells plumes, often confused with a plummeter, who operates plumb bobs or unfinished plumbum)

42. Damster

43. Feather beater (cleans feathers by caning them)

44. Gummer (improves old saws by deepening the cuts)

45. Buckle tongue maker 

46. Frobisher (removes rust from armor)

The Hard Taco song for November is called "Margot Dupris," and the lyrics page for this song comes with a special featurette::: (It's cool, but not quite cool enough to be called a feature, but I put three colons to give it as much emphasis as three exclamation points!!!) All of the tough words I didn't know are linked to dictionary.com so simpletons like me can look up what they mean while listening to the song. I haven't personally looked up any of the words, so I still don't know what the song is about, but I heard that it made the Queen of England say "Oh my!" and blush a little. 

Okay, time out. Where the hell is that guy when I need him? I need my fine higgle tended NOW! 

With warmest regards,

Zach

Take the 75 cents, Samurai. You earned it.

Dear Friends, 

Congratulations to Mike Delodnick from Geneva, PA, the winner of our Heroes in Action children's poetry contest. Mike will receive a $50 gift certificate to Pier 1 Imports and have his poem published at the bottom of this newsletter. Congratulations, again! 

I'd like to take a few moments to tell you about my personal hero, a hemiparetic nun who preaches on the open access Christian TV station. Sister Morgan (as I'll call her) has been the host of the popular "Visions of a Lamb in Christ" for many years.  I changed her name to "Sister Morgan" because I'm about to tell you confidential medical information.

A few years ago, Sister Morgan had a major stroke and was left with a facial droop and misaligned eyes. Now I've seen some sad saps with some tough breaks, but I have never witnessed this kind of determination from a stroke patient. Sister Morgan went back to her televised pulpit less than a week after leaving the hospital. For a few months, every time I would turn the TV on, she would be there in her eye-patch, drooling and slurring through her Hail Marys. 

How best to honor such a bastion of spiritual fortitude and constancy? It turns out, there is some archaic bylaw that prevents her from being canonized into sainthood while she's still alive. (If your Load-of-Crap Meter just went through the roof, I'm totally with you.) Unfortunately, no one even told me about the stupid rule until after I had already gone door-to-door and collected over 30 signatures! 

Then I got to thinking... maybe the best way to honor her would be to do what I do best, and help other people with strokes!

Then I remembered that there is nothing that can be done for those people. In fact, I think I'm going to hold on to those signatures.

Finally, I decided that the best way to show my profound respect for Sister Morgan would be to make a disabled nun a major character in my musical. The Hard Taco song this month, "Twylla's Song," is the ribald yarn of a crippled woman-of-the-cloth, modeled very loosely on Sister Morgan. The principal difference in their respective handicaps is that Twylla is missing four fingers on her left hand, while Sister Morgan suffers from a wedge-shaped brain infarct. Also, Twylla's handicap stems from an ancient curse, while Sister Morgan's handicap stems from high blood pressure and red meat. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

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"Hats off to Heroes." by Mike Delodnick, age 13

A hero can be 

A big furry dog who helps someone find a manhole, 

A hero can be

A very small boy who's smart enough to tattle on his friends (who are vandals.) 

Heroes are everywhere, like 

A train conductor who gets busy workers home on time

Heroes are everywhere, like

A scientist who knows more about lava than anyone else 

He uses that knowledge to help people. 

Hats off to this hero:

A Samurai who eats worms to win a bet, 

Hats off to this hero:

The guy who pays up to the Samurai without being all grumpy about it.

True heroes are

Jim Varney, Gene Hackman, etc.

False heroes are

Randy Moss, the Coast Guard

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