Dear Friends,

One of the few advantages of working in a hospital is FREE Plastic Surgery. I was against it at first, but everybody in Michigan is so freaking perfect I can't even get a reservation at a nice restaurant with my natural looks. After living in the eighth circle of self-esteem hell for three years, I finally broke down and hired an Image Transformation Consultant.  She asked me to make a list of what I hate most about myself and give a copy to everyone I know. We then implemented her "outside-in" plan, which involves multiple surgeries in the first three months, followed by a rigorous half day of emotional nurturing by a third party consultant.

Here is my schedule for the first month:

July 3: Nipples and armpits surgically darkened

One of my mom's friends had this, and it's done miracles for her self-confidence. For some reason, both procedures have to be done at the same time. I'm hoping that the coloration will give me a perpetual Don Johnson 5 O'Clock shadow vibe, except not on my face. 

July 16:  Eyebrows drawn on

This was popular about twenty years ago, and 80's plastic surgeries are making a huge comeback. They will remove my current eyebrows using hot electric wax, and tattoo newer, more elegant ones in their place. We are still discussing whether to actually have them placed on my face (the more conventional route) or on my hands. The advantage of the latter would be that every time I would raise an eyebrow, people would think I'm trying to ask a question. 

July 19th:  Calf Implants

Anyone who saw "The Triplets of Bellville" knows how sexy enormous calves can be. Here's the key: I will get two separate implants with a huge divot in between them. My doctor assured me that a real gastrocnemius muscle has a good-sized divot. She says people with smooth, rounded calves look like they have muscular dystrophy.  If you were the hostess at the Mongolian Barbeque, would you give me a reservation if you thought I had muscular dystrophy? I thought not. 

July 26:  Botox the Backside

This was news to me, but apparently the derierre a place where you don't want the divot. Deep, well-defined butt cracks are a sign of premature aging. A few injections right around the edges will smooth away that entire crack and leave me with a single, perfectly smooth buttock.

I just picked all my surgeries for the second and third month, but we don't have specific dates yet. I will get my knuckles sharpened, my gums sanded down, and my eyelids removed. I will have collagen injected into my tongue for a fuller, come-hither look. I will have my nasal septum enlarged and stapled to one side, webbing placed between my fingers, and my throat surgically sealed off. I will have my scalp rotated (this has to be done every 90 days), and real mink fur will transplanted onto the backs of my hands and feet. I will have my elbows straightened, my intestines shaved, and my irises dusted with real gold leaf. 

After all that is complete, I can't imagine I will need any emotional nurturing from the third party consultant, but it's part of the package deal, so I guess I'll give it a try. I am about to start the next chapter in my life, and I'm looking forward to doing it without eyelids.

The July Hard Taco song is called, "Nancy." Some people see national tragedy. I see an opportunity to score with California's most eligible bachelorette. If you're reading this right now, Nancy, I hope you know I mean it...

With Warmest Regards,

Zach London