Best Children's Countdown Stories

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for February is called, "The King with Six Friends." This song is based on the children's book by the same name, which also happened to be my favorite bedtime story as a child. It's a gorgeously illustrated tale of adventure, magic, heroism, and the bonds of friendship. And if you skip the horribly sexist parts, it mostly holds up.

Countdown Stories- Children's Book Edition 

I am excited to retell some of my other childhood favorites in a format I call Countdown Stories. The first of the 10 lines must have 10 words, the second line must have 9 words, and so on, with the goal of finishing the story by the final one-word line. For other great examples Countdown of Stories, check out this 2019 digest about some of my favorite movies. 

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

On Sunday, a baby caterpillar popped out of an egg

Every day that week, he consumed progressively larger portions

Nothing was good enough for this selfish slob

He left the kitchen a total mess

And locked himself in his bedroom

Two Sundays later, he emerged

Meanwhile, a baby bird

Born that morning

Ate one

Butterfly

Charlotte's Web

Before we start, can we agree that animals don't speak?

And different species certainly can't talk to each other

Let alone in English (especially not barn spiders.)

A spider's voice would be inaudibly quiet

Seriously, its lungs are basically microscopic!

And I noticed something else...

The name "Charlotte's Web"

Sounds like a 

Porn site

www.charlottesweb.xxx

Goodnight Moon

Imagine a room that disobeys all natural rules of perspective

Fill it with shadows, anthropomorphic animals, and trippy art

Like an exploded antebellum circus wagon on LSD

Do you find this cozy or terrifying?

Now say goodnight to each atrocity

See that woman whispering hush?

That's not a woman

That's Donnie Darko's

Rabbit Vision

(Shudder.)

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

In the 1964 edition, Oompa Loompas were black African pygmies

That Wonka "discovered" and shipped to England in crates

Dahl literally wrote they were "rescued" into servitude

His loyal readers had no compunction whatsoever  

About this sickeningly blatant pro-slavery stance

Following years of NAACP protests

Dahl finally rewrote it.

This shit's insane. 

Read more

Here

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

November 8, 2016, was a terrible horrible very bad day

I started thinking that maybe Alexander wasn't being dramatic

When he declared he would move to Australia

Relocating Down Under actually sounds awesome, right?

But the red tape is prohibitive

And realistically, there are

Right wing nuts everywhere

Even in Australia

Even in

Australia

The Bridge to Terabithia

Milo, who has plenty of time, sets off for Dictionopolis 

There's a mischievous monkey and a man wearing yellow

And twelve little girls in two straight lines

Wait, I think I'm getting this confused

I haven't actually read that book

I meant the Phantom Tollbooth.

Or maybe Curious George.

Or Madeline. Whatever. 

I prefer

Movies

With warmest regards,

Zach