Welcome to the British Museum! This room was subdivided into four areas, each representing one of the world's regions from which sacred relics were were plundered.
The centerpiece of the Egypt section was a video about the history of the most famous artifact in the museum, the Rosetta Stone.
The long corridors inside the great pyramids are punctuated with ancient boobytraps and the occasional hungry crocodile. One of these deadly khopesh blades would swing at a 180° degree arc from the ceiling, while the other had the opposite trajectory from the floor. It seems they had been swinging perpetually and at predictable intervals for thousands of years. Our intrepid museum staff was forced to duck under one blade and leap over the other to proceed to the Pharoah’s tomb. Several museum staff were lost before we were able to master the timing of these maneuvers.
Stone with Hieroglyphs
This mysterious slab of stone was purloined from the tomb of Pharaoh Amenemhet III, whose reign began in 1817 B.C. The ancient Egyptian embalming technique was so advanced that Amenemhet III was still reading a newspaper and playing with his cat when museum staffers broke grabbed the slab. Amenemhet fought them for it, but he was over 3500 years old at that time, and the embalming fluid made his hands slippery. Upon inspection, the reason for his reticence to part with it is clear. The images clearly suggest that pharaohs of the Middle Kingdom were into tacos, doughnuts, and butt plugs.
The ancient Egyptians believed that by wrapping a body in hundreds of yards of linen, the deceased would be able to go door-to-door in the afterlife and implore homeowners for candy.
Hatshepsut the Magnanimous ruled during 3rd Dynasty and was known for his ambitious building projects. He was so forward-thinking that he started keeping his organs in jars several years before he died.
Sarcophagus Lid
We only had two guys that day, so we just filched the lid. This came the tomb of Senusret the Innovator. The pigments for this intricate detailing came from crushed eggshells, rendered beetles, clay, ash, and feathers. But we wanted to make a splash at Burning Man, so we added some fluorescent paint accents.
More Hieroglyphics
This appears to be a long and boring paragraph about things that will allegedly happen to whoever removes this from its resting place:
The sky will turn dark, the ground will tremble beneath your feet, and he will have a baby jackal for a head and eternal insomnia. Instantly he will be struck down with a mysterious illness that, upon closer inspection, will be carpal tunnel syndrome. He will suffer Bastet’s Vengeance and will be tormented by cats that wander in and out of the tomb. Uncontrollable fires will rage around the tomb, yet he will suffer Hathor's Torment and be forced to live in darkness for eternity in a swamp, wearing the headdress of a cow and a sun disk. His body slowly will petrify and putrefy, for this is the Retribution of Sekhmet's. He will be unable to speak lest a swarm of scarab beetles cascade eternally from his mouth. He will not be able to move or think. He will have uncontrollable hiccups, wander the desert without end, and be consumed by a swarm of viscous insects so put it back already.
Fan – Chinese Dragon
We took this hand-crafted fan from a small village in China. The villagers were heartbroken, but we were undeterred by their sadness, because this exquisite artifact belongs in a museum. Specifically, we need a really big fan to cool ourselves off during the muggy English summers.
Jade Horses
This priceless artifact dates to the Tang dynasty, a time known for prosperity, military expansion, and artistic achievement. Unlike other Chinese dynasties, Tang emperors were recognized for their openness to new ideas regarding religion, music, art, and even philosophy. They made culinary advances, as well, pioneering a powdered orange drink mix that future astronauts would have to pretend to enjoy.
Terracotta Warrior
Pilfered from Emperor Qinshihuang’s Mausoleum. The terracotta army is a form of funerary art, buried with the emperor in 210–209 BCE with the purpose of protecting him in his afterlife. We just took one small warrior, hoping he will be enough to protect our gift shop from shoplifters.
Buddha Sculpture
This bronze Buddha statue is not actually a representation of how Buddha was physically, but of his teachings, fortune, inner peace, and motivational factor for every human being. Modern Buddha sculptures usually depict him at a standing desk or office treadmill because sitting is the new smoking.
Japanese Puppets
The best part about stealing these puppets from the street vendors in Kyoto is that we can actually use the puppets to tell the story of the theft. It’s hilarious. The accents we use are so offensive!
Solid Gold Fu Dogs
They symbolize strength, superiority, and security, and protect the imperial palaces and tombs of the wealthy. In China, these guardian lions are simply called Shi, which is a combination of s, which means sentinel, and hi, which means lions.
Suit of Armor
This is a 15th century Italian relic, made of riveted steel plates and silver detailing. Impressively, this suit of armor can remain motionless for hours on end, as if it is staring at and appreciating the museum pieces displayed across from it. This is has been a fascinating sociology experiment. We have found that museum visitors are far more likely to pay attention to those dull pieces because they think someone else is interested.
Sophilos Vase
This vase is the most famous work of Sophilos, and Attic potter and vase painter. It depicts the tale of Triptolemus, who visited Psamathe the nereid in hopes that she might give him a tonic to cure him of his man-boobs.
Elgin Marbles
In the early 19th century, agents of Thomas Bruce, the 7th Earl of Elgin, looted this and many other sculptures from the Parthenon. Efforts to repatriate these artifacts to Greece have led to a parliamentary debate and two recent committee reports, “Finders Keepers Losers Weepers” and “Na-na, Na-Na, Boo-Boo.”
Miscellaneous Europe
The British Museum proudly plundered this stuff from all over, but we can’t keep up with cataloging all of it. If you know what any of this is, or just want to take some of it home and get it off our plate, please consider applying for our open archivist, docent, curator, conservator, or registrar positions.
American Headpiece
This ornate headpiece is a rare artifact of American nobility, crafted in the early 21stcentury. This exquisite hat is a timeless symbol of the wealth and power of the American aristocracy and is now a cherished artifact of a bygone era.
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