One Nice Thing about Each Michigan Corporation

Dear Friends,

A major ice storm hit southeast Michigan last week. Like most Ann Arborites, our home was bereft of electricity for several days. With my self-imposed song release schedule in jeopardy, I had an important decision to make: Do I postpone recording until DTE, our energy company, repairs the power lines? Or do I record the song on a hand-cranked electricity-free Edison wax cylinder phonograph? 

By the second day of the blackout, the decision had been made for me. Home Depot was completely out of hand-cranked Edison wax cylinder phonographs. Everyone else in town must have had the same idea.

The power came back on Friday night. Phew! DTE used to be called the Detroit Edison Company, so in a way, it was still Thomas Edison who saved the day for me, and provided for this month's Hard Taco song, "Explain It To Me Like I'm Fievel." 

DTE is just one of the many Michigan-based mega-corporations to whom I owe a great debt. As a way of thanking these companies for their contributions to our local and global economies, I have decided to write something nice about each of them.

DTE - Like I said, they used to be called Detroit Edison. So, what does the T stand for? I called the company to ask, and they didn't know, but they estimated they would have the answer for me by Monday. On Monday morning, I called again, and they said they had teams working on my question around the clock, and now estimated I would have an answer by Friday. The take home point is that T probably stands for Terrific, and they're just being humble. 

Ford - I've heard rumors that the eponymous founder of Ford Motors was an unabashed anti-Semite. That is demonstrably false, and these pictures should provide all the evidence you need. 

Kellogg's - The factory in Battle Creek is known worldwide as the #1 destination for elementary school field trips. Kids get to put on goggles, stand behind a one-way mirror, and watch mechanical arms violently smash high fructose corn syrup into the shape of brown flakes.

Whirlpool - This appliance company gained market share by naming themselves after a seafarer-killing natural disaster. So audacious! I would like to see some of these other languishing organizations follow suit: 

• LifeCycle Fitness should become Life Cyclone Fitness
• Outback Steakhouse should become Drought-back Steakhouse
• Lunchables should become Avalunchables
• The US Postal Service should become Mail-strom
• NATO should become TorNATO

Little Caesar's - The pizza chain came under fire for failing to disclose that their meats were tainted with antibacterial agents, hormones, and bacterial hormones. (Testosterone squeezed out of amoebas gives their pepperoni that appetizing luster!) In response to this backlash, the company launched a publicity campaign to convey their commitment to transparency about the sources of their ingredients. 

General Motors - America's largest automaker boasts an extraordinary portfolio of defunct and discontinued cars: Pontiac, Saturn, Geo, Hummer, Saab, Oldsmobile, and many more. In fact, it's hard to think of a non-existent line of cars that was not made by GM!

Wiccan Loans - A great option for refinancing a triple moon pentagram altar, soy spell candles, and low-interest obsidian rune spheres.

Domino's Pizza - Tom Monaghan, the founder of Domino's, is an avid pro-life philanthropist. This ideology permeates the entire Domino's corporate culture. One time, I accidentally ordered a pizza before I was ready to eat one, so I called Domino's right away to cancel the order. The employee admitted that the pizza had not been prepared yet, but she still refused. "People who cancel pizza orders are haunted by it for the rest of their lives," she told me, "Just wait for Delivery. If you still don't have room for this little miracle when it arrives, you can give it to someone else who does."

Dow Chemical - The plastics giant is your one-stop shop for anything that starts with poly- and ends with -ene: Polystyrene, polyethylene, polypropylene, polytetrafluoroethylene, polyps causing gangrene, and polyester dipped in kerosene.

What if the Power Goes Out Again?

It has been nearly 20 years since I failed to have a song ready by the first day of the month. It has been a good long run, but it's only a matter of time until some unanticipated conflict derails my pathologically obsessive and inconsequential schedule restrictions. It might be a power failure, a hardware failure, or a family or medical emergency. Whatever the cause, you will know when it happens, because I will release a song called, "Dreaming at the Top of My Lungs." I recorded that tune in 2006, and it was so bad, I decided it was better to bury it in the archives rather than give it the undue honor of monthly song status. But it's sitting there in the vault, waiting to be called up as soon as I cut both arms off in an angle grinder or have a mild case of writer's block.

With warmest regards,

Zach