The Bear Cub Tilted Rectangle of 3rd Grade Achievement

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for November is called, "Not That Kind of Boy." This song is too short for radio, and you're too short for modeling. We'll both get over it.

Malcolm is now in his third year of Cub Scouts, and is working towards earning the Bear Cub Tilted Rectangle of 3rd Grade Achievement. So far, he has fulfilled several of the requirements, including: Meet a Fireman, Whittle Something, and Make a Skit About Meeting a Fireman.  I've been flipping through the Bear Handbook, and it looks like he's on pace to earn the following badges by the end of the school year:

Badge of High Merit - Formerly called "Badge of Participation." Granted to any scout who shows up for the Awards Ceremony. The name change reflects Boy Scouts of American's deep commitment to fostering dignity and self-esteem in all dues-paying humans.

Leave No Trace - Protect the delicate ecosystem of the forest by burying the hitchhiker at least 200 feet from natural water sources, campsites, and trails.

Outdoor Ethics Awareness - Draft a Living Will for a loved one while sitting around a campfire.

Herbalism - Rub leaves between your fingers until you find one that smells vaguely like cinnamon.

Rich Grandparents - Sell over $500 of popcorn without going door-to-door.

Take Only Pictures, Leave Only Footprints - Promote responsible use of outdoor recreational spaces.

Take Pictures and Footprints - Investigate a crime scene.

Take My Picture and Leave With My Footprint - Kick the ass of a paparazzo.

Cub Whisperer - Trap a real tiger, wolf, or bear cub and train it to sit still during the flag ceremony

Pocketknife Safety - Use the white plastic cafeteria knife to cut your pepperoni Hot Pocket and let some of the steam out so you don't burn your tongue when you bite into it.

Bear Necessities - Learn how to read a thermometer (temperature), a barometer (atmospheric pressure), a sphygmomanometer (blood pressure), a mass spectrometer (miscellaneous science) and an infernometer (Hell.)

Gender Dysphoria - Earn any three of the Girl Scout badges discussed in this previous HT Digest.

Bear's Courage - Spend a night in that spooky abandoned condo where the nursing student's Homeowner's Association dues mysteriously vanished in the 1970s.

I Think They Have a Kid About Your Age - Go with your mother to visit some old college friends of hers who she hasn't seen in twenty years.

Duty to God - Cub scouts is for everyone! You certainly don't have to be Christian to pitch a tent! Many of us know a Jewish or Muslim person because we are tolerant! As long as those people exercise their faith according to the traditions of their ancestors and develop a close personal relationship with Jesus or the equivalent, they are welcome in BSA! No atheists or agnostics, please.

Baden-Powell Emblem - Named for Boy Scouts founder Robert Baden-Powell, a Lieutenant-General in the 2nd Boer War, this coveted distinction goes to any Cub Scout who suppresses a Zulu uprising.

With warmest regards,
Zach

Know someone who would like to receive the Hard Taco Digest? Too bad, this email list hasn't been updated for five years and I'm very set in my ways. 

Hot New Additions for Your Girl Scout Trophy Sash

Dear Friends,

   Assuming that you keep your iTunes playlist arranged alphabetically, and assuming that you're tired of ABBA, this may be the happiest day of your short life. Seconds from now, you will have access to the exhausting new jam from your favorite group, Aardtaco. Oh yes, little readers, this is not some puzzling brand of April Foolery. We are, in truth, creating new music under the moniker Aardtaco in an effort to appeal to our base. (I believe that our base consists mostly of pirates.)

   If you're thinking, "Toooooo cool!" I certainly can't stop you. To do so I would need to take mind control lessons and who has the time?

  So here you have it, the first Aardtaco song, "A Life of Crime." Again, this is a topic that is of interest to our base.

   As you may remember, The Hard Taco Digest usually focused on topics of broad interest such as Disney Sequels and Germs, but the new Aardtaco MyGest is personalized, using cookies from your computer to identify your areas of interest. Based on your search history, your custom Aardtaco MyGest this month is:

"Most Desirable Girl Scout Badges"

WEBESOS - Not to be confused with WEBELOS, this badge is worn by Girl Scouts who are not yet potty-trained. It is short for "We Be Soiled Scouts." By convention, these girls are typically referred to as "Brownies."

Purple Heart - To qualify for this badge, you must sustain an injury that results in the loss of your right arm and shoulder, such that you cannot wear your sash without it slipping off. 

Sew Simple - Earn points towards the Sew Simple badge by fixing a Purple Heart-wearer's sash to her shoulder-stump. You need to fix 3 sashes to 3 different shoulder stumps to qualify.

The Red Badge of Storage - Similar to the Purple Heart, but the injury must occur while stocking Tagalongs into their plastic cookie cozies.

Volunteer Dog-Sitting  - To dog-sit without being paid is the most selfless thing a girl scout can do.

Alarmist - Have your parents take you to try 1-Alarm Chili.

Advanced Alarmist - Have your parents take you to try 2-Alarm Chili.

Trenchie - For accumulating over 20 hours of experience in trench warfare. As all trenchies know, it is crucial that you never open more than one box of Thin Mints, to hide your numbers.

Money wise - Use your knowledge and your self-esteem to open a bank account.

Moderation - While the teller is looking down to type in your information, grab a hostage and demand a backpack filled almost half-way with unmarked FIVE DOLLAR BILLS. 

Eco-Action - Take a step toward saving the planet by unrolling the cardboard in your Dum-Dum stick, folding it twice, and gently placing it in a recycling bin. 

Influence - Use your powers of persuasion to coax a fish out of your brother's sandbox.

Chicken Sexing - Large industrial egg-producing facilities are only interested in raising female chickens. To earn this badge, you must master the skill of squeezing a baby chick in such a way that you can identify its gender. If it is an unwanted male, your troopmaster will immediately "cull," (which means "kill") the chick. Learn about the various methods for "killing" a male chick (which means "culling" a male chick), including burying it alive or macerating it in a wood chipper.

Hen Rights - Learn about gender equality. Chicken sexing is downright chicken sexist! All the female chicks can do is gaze enviously up through that glass ceiling and see their male counterparts liquefied in a high-speed grinder, suffocated in a plastic bag, or simply have their necks broken. Write to your senator and insist that female chicks are equally qualified for decapitation and asphyxiation with carbon dioxide.

Brash - Whatever it is you are thinking about doing impulsively, just go right ahead and do it without considering the consequences.

The Juliette - Named for Juliette Gordon Lowe, the founder of Girl Scouts of America and a notorious cross-dresser. To earn this badge, put on a Boy Scout neckerchief and shoulder loops, stand in front of the mirror and repeat the phrase, "I'm going to win the Pinewood Derby..."  

With Warmest Regards,

Zach