FALSIES!

Dear Friends,

This month's Hard Taco song, "Catan Catan," was strongly influenced by the Beatles. You could argue that 'strongly influenced' could be replaced with 'directly stolen from.' You could also argue that after 382 consecutive original songs, I have earned the right to dip my ladle into someone else's creative punch bowl and stir up a few bubbles.

Naturally, I was worried about the legal ramifications of borrowing a beloved melody and claiming sole authorship credit. No need! My lawyer-wife assures me that I cannot be sued for musical plagiarism because "[this] song kicks ass compared to the original." To avoid any breach of copyright law, she also recommends that I end this paragraph with the phrase, "Suck it, Sir Paul."

I have learned a good deal about the law by cohabitating with an attorney, even if she is kind of a potty mouth. True story: In reference to a case she was working on, Lauren once said, "It wasn't the helicopter crash that killed them... it was the magma." That was probably the only time I ever thought that being an attorney sounded cool. I really wanted to hear the rest of the story, but at the time, her rate was $300/hour.

Her current job eschews the billable hours system. To take advantage of this, I've asked Lauren to answer some of the Frequently Asked Legal Statutory Inquests on Every Subject:

Is there a sketch artist with colored pencils at every trial?
No. Cameras are not allowed in courtrooms, but they only employ colored-pencil sketch artists for high profile cases. In small claims court, artists must create representations of the defendant with mixed media compositions employing found objects.

What happens when two enemies fill out Form 741-8 in the presence of a notary public and file it at the county courthouse?
They become sworn enemies.

Can a movie reviewer write, "Ethan Hawke and Gwyneth Paltrow sizzle in this timeless tale," even if they didn't especially sizzle?
No.  

Do lawyers really refer to the Supreme Court Rulings Of the United States as SCROTUS?
Yes, we are all potty mouths.

Is flag burning still legal?
On this planet, it is considered Freedom of Speech. This does not hold true vis-à-vis the American flags on the Moon. No oxygen means no burning, and no speech. 

I want to point at strangers and yell "Citizen's arrest!" Is this awesome and advisable or just awesome?
(Mumble mumble. I don't think she did very well in criminal law class.)

What do you call a group of opossums?
If they are your crew, your homies, and they always have your back, then you can call them your oposse. 

Which is more irritating, the word legalese, or the words it describes?
It's very close. I will say both of these out loud and we will make note of the point at which someone punches me in the throat.
1. Legalese.
2. Restrictive provisions hereinafter appearing forthwith comply with said jurisprudence (SWAK! THROAT PUNCH!) negligent civil remedies and promissory estoppel code sections 33, 40, 74T (My God, she's still talking! SWAK! SWAK! DOUBLE THROAT PUNCH!)

With warmest regards,
Zach

Disclaimer: The statements attributed to Lauren London in this document are for entertainment purposes only. No persons are liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, consequential, or exemplary damages arising from anything stated above or in any other document. 

Mother's Day Gift Suggestion Meme

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for May is called, "Love Is In the Very Air."

Now that you're pondering the month of May and the institution of Love, let's solidify some Mother's Day plans!

I'm not going to argue against the allegation that Mother's Day has become too commercialized. It's easy to forget that Mother's Day is, of course, a religious holiday... All Hedon's Eve. It's nice to have a standing phone date with our parents, but we must also remember that the true meaning of this day is to consecrate the deflowering of the pagan fertility daemon Eostreg in the glow of spring's first gibbous moon. When we get caught up in the spending, wrapping, and visiting, we forget that the Eostreg the winged womb wraith chose this day among all others to lay her inverted pentacle at the base of the holly maypole and birth the two-headed druid of the gate, Scrotus the Excrete-agog.

Perhaps Mother's Day has turned into more of a "Hallmark Holiday," but is that so bad? I look around and I see families spending time together and showing genuine gratitude to their wives and mothers. That is how All Hedon's Eve should be celebrated, if you ask me. If we don't appreciate each other, the tradition of invoking the chaos magick of fur and feather by splattering a blindfolded virgin with hot beeswax loses meaning.

So I suppose there's nothing wrong with a little gift-buying this Mother's Day. In fact, I'd like to help you pick the perfect one for your mother, wife, or baby mama, in one simple step.

Step 1: Stop giving her personalized coupon books.
This coupon good for a 12 hour calf rub.
This coupon good for one new palindrome that starts with, "Partyboob." 
This coupon good for a high five, and guess what! It's double coupon day!

Epic yawn. Do you want your mother to leave you nothing but a coupon book in her will?
This coupon good for one guilty memory about your dead mother.

All you need to know in order to select an original personalized gift for your mother, wife, or baby mama is how much you love her, her first initial, and her birthdate. This is still part of Step 1. Check out how easy this system is:

Level of Love for Mother/Wife/Baby Mama (On a 32 point scale.)

1. Army surplus
2. Halfway House Made
3. Gingham and rhinestone
4. Gently used
5. Beer-battered
6. Cleveland Browns
7. Distressed balsa
8. Single use
9. Bacon-wrapped
10. Gryffindor
11. Celery-scented
12. Cut down a little belly fat each day with this one weird old
13. Bose
14. His and hers engraved
15. Hands free
16. Navajo
17. Electrolyte-infused
18. Shiatsu
19. Free trade
20. Micro fleece
21. Wrought iron
22. Helen Keller autographed
23. Airplane grade
24. Seahorse hair
25. Cuban
26. Two Tickets to Cirque du
27. Motor Trend's Most Dependable Mid-sized
28. Vice Presidential
29. Yeti hide
30. Actually tasteful
31. Self-aware
32. Hope Diamond-encrusted

First Initial of Your Mother/Wife/Baby Mama
A. Loose leaf tea
B. Clutch
C. Zumba DVD
D. "Massager"
E.  Nanny cam
F. iPhone skin
G. Book of Dirty Mad Libs
H. Amazon gift card
I. Burnt offering
J. Moccasins
K. Hip flask
L. Fashion scarf
M. Nude sculpture of you
N. Wind chimes
O. Gary Coleman skull
P. Hand juicer
Q. Claddagh ring
R. Skin whitening system
S. Photo collage
T. Water feature
U. Spa basket
V. Wine decanter
W. Gargoyle
X. Dog tags
Y. Hangover serum
Z. Tote

What day of the month was your Mother/Wife/Baby Mama born on?

1-20. (no suffix/modifier)

21. Groupon

22. Cozy

23. 40th Anniversary Edition
24. Of the Month Club
25. Labeler
26. As Originally Envisioned by Frank Lloyd Wright
27. -Opoly, the Board Game
28. In Pink with a Portion of Proceeds Going To Fight Breast Cancer
29. Shipped in a genuine kangaroo pouch
30. Shipped in a genuine Shroud of Turin
31. With certificate of authenticity

Now there's a present that will keep you in good standing until the next nativity of Scrotus the Excrete-agog. Good work!

With warmest regards,
Zach