He Chose... Poorly

Dear Friends,

Inspired by my son obtaining his learner's permit, this month's Hard Taco song is called "Pedestrian Came Out Of Nowhere."

I always imagined teaching my kid to drive would be like in the commercials... He'd buckle his seat belt, place both hands on the wheel, and give me a nervous glance. I'd say, "Just like practiced. Shift it into drive and gently release the brake." Then, he'd adjust the mirrors, and we'd share a tender moment slathering our faces in Nakery Beauty Hydra-C Oil to Foam Cleanser. Because for some reason, in this particular fantasy, the commercial we're in is for a skin care product. 

Reality, however, is far less flattering to my complexion. If he flips on his turn signal half a second later then I would have, I sweat. If he edges too close to one side of the garage, I scream. If he comes to a rolling stop at a yield sign, my skin withers, my hair grays and lengthens, and I rapidly decompose like that guy in the Indiana Jones movie who drinks from the false grail.

Perhaps the problem is that we jumped right to putting him in the driver's seat of the family car. He doesn't turn 16 until next May, so I think it might be prudent to slow down and take a more graduated approach. We'll start him out with something simple, like pushing a toy shopping cart. As he hones his skills, we'll grant him progressive responsibility with more complex vehicles...  a full-sized shopping cart, a lawnmower, a go-kart, a tractor, a stagecoach, and a hovering landspeeder (stalling, of course until this invented).

Only after successfully demonstrating proficiency in the 150 fundamental competencies of each of these vehicles, he'll earn his place in the driver's seat of the Ford Fusion. As he turns the key, I'll notice the old toy shopping cart in the back seat and laugh, realizing what a long way we've come from that initial, fictional commercial. And while drinking from the wrong grail and watching your kids drive can both age you 1000 years in a few seconds, I'll rest easy, thanks to Nakery Lift Multi-Peptide Serum, the clinically proven path to radiant skin. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

Virtual Drivers Ed

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for April is called, "Lonely Cozy Family." This song is about all of the the things that have changed this month, some of which are not so bad.

This week, my daughter started Drivers Ed. The first two days of virtual didactics were less than engaging, but what do you expect? You can't learn how to drive a car from listening to lectures. You have to actually get out there and put in some serious hours playing Pole Position on your Atari.

Since we're all homeschooling now, I wanted to help, so I came up with some practice questions to prepare her for the written examination.

Which famous golf caddy is this class named for?
A. Driver Ed
B. Jeremy Iron
C. Wedge Antilles
D. Wood Harrelson


What does this sign mean?

A. Swerve, if necessary, to avoid toppling the carefully balanced piece of burnt candy corn.
B. If you lift your champagne flute up and down too much, the stem will fall off.
C. Free your mind and look at the negative space. It is a fat man sneezing on the letter Y while an old woman looks on.
D. There are air currents around Gene Simmons' tongue.

On a one-way road, a solid yellow line indicates:
A. A very narrow bike lane. You may legally drive into any biker who doesn't keep both tires on the line at all times.
B.  A waste of expensive paint. What are we, made of money? This is my municipality and I say dashed yellow lines are perfectly good.
C. Yellow means cowardice. If you don't have the giggleberries to drive across this line, you're a lily-livered pisspants.
D. The letter T in Morse Code. It's just a really long dash, uninterrupted for miles, as if to say, "Teeeeeeeee....!"


Which of the following is NOT a parking violation?
A. Parking on top of a moving police vehicle.
B. Parking in front of a fire hydrant if the burning house has a grease fire. (Everyone knows you can't extinguish a grease fire with water.)
C. Parking and then removing your windshield wipers. When the parking enforcement officer has no obvious place to tuck your parking ticket, she may throw herself into traffic out of frustration.
D. Parking illegally but leaving your hazard lights on because you're just running inside for a sec to get a hysterectomy.


What does this sign mean?

A. Please turn pages of large book with a closed umbrella.
B. This section of highway cleaned using Swiffer products.
C. Remove dead snitch from your trunk and bury here.
D. If the toast is still breathing, stab it with a spear.


What is the correct placement of apostrophe(s) in Drivers Ed?
A. Driver's Ed, the singular possessive, because only one of you will actually learn this.
B. D'rivers Ed, which is French for "Of rivers, Ed."
C. Drivers 'Ed, which is Cockney for "Drivers head."
D. Drivers Ed''''''', where the apostrophes replace the rest of the letters in "education."

What does this sign mean?

A. Seriously?
B. The sign is just words.
C. Traffic circle ahead. Just kidding. Because if it was that, the sign would have different words.
D. Moral judgments of right and wrong are specific to a cultural or historical period and no standpoint is uniquely privileged above others.

With warmest regards,
Zach