Postcards From Panama, Part 10

Dear friends,

The Hard Taco song for December is called, "The Paleo," and it will challenge (but ultimately reinforce) all of your preconceived notions about cavemen! 

For those of you who have been regular readers of the Hard Taco Digest since 2009, you will be happy for today's installment of Postcards from Panama, the world's most awkward and longstanding unilateral pen pal conversation! To enhance your enjoyment of these letters, you may want to read/reread/rereread some prior Postcards from Panama installments. 

 

Postcards from Panama, Part 10

11/18/2021
Dear Karen,

You're not going to believe this, but the Spanish phrase for post office is "Oficina de Correos," not "Oficina del Postres."  I'm embarrassed that I mixed those up! Especially because for the last three years, I've been writing you postcards and dropping them off at a dessert shop. These postcards featured world-class stock photos of Panama's natural and cultural highlights, and the things I wrote on them were equal parts informative and emotional. 

There is a woman who works at Oficina del Postres named Natalidad Diversión ("Birthrate Fun"). I assumed she was a postal worker, but I now know she is a pastry chef. The poofy white hat makes more sense now. 

I explained to her that the postcards I had been giving her every 10-15 days since November 2018 were intended for my fiancé, and not for her. She didn't make any facial expressions when I explained this, so I don't know the extent to which this was heartbreaking information for her. Interestingly, a lot of people come into the post office/bakery and comment to each other that Natalidad is physically good-looking, but I just see her as a close friend. 

The good news is that she only speaks a few words of English, so she had discarded most of the 75+ postcards I had placed in her hand without reading them. That is a relief, because they had intimate and educational information on them. But when I asked directly, she agreed that the few English words she recognized on the postcards were both informative and emotional, in equal measures. 

With warmest regards,

Michael

11/20/2021
Dear Karen,

I made an error when I started my last postcard with "you're not going to believe this." Of course you were going to believe it, because it is true! Obviously, I would not have promised to marry you if I thought you were not smart enough to believe things that are true. Likewise, you would have not made a solemn vow to eventually marry me if you thought I was the type of person who would utter falsehoods. 

In fact, Karen, I cannot lie at all. You may recall that when we were kids, I refused to be the leader when we played Simon Says. That person must lie repeatedly, because the use of present tense (Simon SAYS) implies knowledge that someone named Simon is currently saying that very phrase/command. So if the leader says something like, "Simon Says Pat Your Head," and Simon is not actively saying that somewhere in the world, they are a liar. (Even typing it made me throw up for 10 minutes.) 

I am more willing to play Simon Said and stick to very common phrases and orders that I can feel confident Simon once said, such as, "Simon Said I'm in the Mood for Carryout." Please consider writing back when you have a chance, and let me know your thoughts about this, and other virtues of mine.   

With warmest regards,

Michael

11/22/2021
Dear Karen,

How are you? How is your day compared to the last few? I was reviewing my childhood journal and confirmed that on August 1, 1989, at 7:00 pm CST (8:00 pm EST), you and I made a solemn vow that if both of us were single 20 years later, we would marry each other permanently. It's kind of funny when you think about how often we say things that are true, but don't carry the weight of an unbreakable promise, such as "The weather is nice," or "Someone named Simon was once in the mood for carryout."

With warmest regards,

Michael

11/28/2021

Dear Karen,

Oh no! I just learned that Stephen Sondheim, the titan of American Musical Theatre, has died from dire complications of bursitis. It reminded me how much you used to enjoy show-tunes, and Stephen Sondheim show-tunes, in particularly. Was he the one who starred in Oliver!? (The confusing punctuation at the end of that sentence is because I am asking a question, but the name of the musical ends with an exclamation point.) 

With warmest regards and heartfelt condolences for your loss,

Michael

11/30/3021

Dear Karen,

I went back to the dessert shop and asked Natalidad Diversión (the questionably attractive pastry chef who I just see as a close friend) if she could make a custom desert in memory of Stephen Sondheim. I was worried that she might be disappointed when I told her that it was for my fiancé in the United States, so to cushion the blow, I gave her a blank postcard for her to throw away.

I can't remember which Stephen Sondheim musical is your favorite, so I asked her to make bespoke desserts for all three of them. Natalidad doesn't specialize in baking things in different shapes, so all of the desserts will be a a semi-soft bread pudding. She has will label the shipping boxes with the image of Stephen Sondheim (R.I.P.) and the names of the Stephen Sondheim musicals: Oklahoma!,  Hello, Dolly!, and Hello, Oliver!! (In this case, three of the four exclamation points are the names of the musicals, and the final one is to express my personal excitement at the thought of you opening your mailbox and finding it full of bespoke bread pudding!)

With warmest regards,

Michael

12/1/2021

Dear Karen,

How have you been lately? Let me know once you receive the individually labeled Sondheim bread puddings. It's not a big deal, except that they were very expensive because we had to pay the Sondheim estate to use his likeness on the labels. I was thinking that you might enjoy a Stephen Sondheim-themed honeymoon. What are the sights that inspired him to co-star in Oklahoma!? 

If you would prefer to have our honeymoon in Carson City, because that's where my parents live, just let me know. Please write back at your convenience and be sure to use my address and not the Oficina del Postres, because I think the woman there might be secretly discarding your letters to me because of romantic envy.  

With warmest regards,

Michael

Pink Floyd Albums Ranked from Most Pretentious to Most Pretentious

Dear Friends,

It's hootenanny time! Wait, why are you grabbing a shotgun and murdering Fran Drescher? Oh, I see... you misheard me. I said hootenanny time, not... well never mind, now you've done it. 

Anyway, the Hard Taco song for November is called, "Best Cuppa Coffee," and it's a perfect little grit-sized morsel of a hoedown. It gets in, spills some hillbilly juice on the carpet for two minutes, and gets out. But be careful. It's still long enough to leave your thigh sore from all the knee-slapping!

Lie Back and Think of England Some More

A few digests ago, I wrote about the ways that Jethro Tull, in all their flamingo-like glory, influenced my growth as a songsmith (or, if you will, a songwright.) This time, I want to revel in the self-righteous aura of another overwrought classic rock band that so many of us obsessed about in high school... Pink Floyd. 

Pink Floyd went through several phases. Their first album featured the songwriting (or if you will, songcraft) of Syd Barrett, whose lyrics tended to dwell on weighty political themes.

Floyd than put out a series of albums that featured atmospheric, ethereal, spacey, long-form quasi-improvisational psychedelic ghost jams, such as this one. 

But they really hit their stride when they turned over songmaking (or, if you will, songforging) to Roger Waters, whose efforts to capture the aural landscape of angst have enthralled so many generations of melancholy teenagers. But little-known fact: The Dark Side of the Moon was originally written as a country/western album and intended to be sung with a thick Southern drawl. Just look at the lyrics: 

    "Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown."

    "Leave but don't leave me."

    "Think I'll buy me a football team. Yee haw!"

Pink Floyd were the masters of the sequel. "Another Brick in the Wall" was a modest success, but the follow up, "Another Brick in the Wall Part 2" was a monster hit! The formula for a successful sequel, of course, was to take everything that people liked about the first song and make it bigger and better. More explosions, gorier deaths. The kill counts were always higher in the sequel songs like Pigs on the Wing Part 2, a New Machine Part 2, and The Grand Vizier's Garden Party Part 2.  

The notorious rivalry between front men Roger Waters and David Gilmour reached a head during the recording of the album Animals. When Waters showed up to the studio with an 11-minute song called "Pigs," Gilmour was furious. He stormed back to his hotel room and came back the next morning with a 16-minute song called "Dogs."  This turned into an arms race of impossibly tedious compositions about similar-sounding creatures:

Gilmour and Waters had very different approaches to singing. Gilmour's vocal style could be described as utilizing the air flow between the diaphragm and mouth to vibrate the vocal folds, manipulating the larynx to create recognizable pitches. In other words, singing. 

Waters, on the other hand, felt that the voice should be a conduit for self-pity and despair, rather than musical notes. He once spent an entire studio session repeating the phrase, "No one kills the children anymore," into a microphone while producers applied high voltage shocks to his groin at unpredictable intervals. The result was the 1983 album, The Final Cut. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

Battle Thunder Worm is a Thing

Dear Friends,

  

It gives me unnatural pleasure to introduce two things today, both of which are called, "Battle Thunder Worm."

First, and 1/3 less importantly, this month's Hard Taco song is called, "Battle Thunder Worm." It's the theme song to the London family's new card game by the same name!

Also first, and more importantly by a factor of 1.5, today is the official public release of BTW: Battle Thunder Worm, the Family Card Game After Which the Battle Thunder Worm Theme Song is Named! 

As many of you already know, we printed copies of this game and mailed them out as swag gifts for Malcolm's Bar Mitzvah a few months ago. As such, the game isn't technically new, but the Battle Thunder Worm website is, and it's full of gorgeous photography by Leisa Thompson, Malcolm's instructional video, and a link to purchase the game. That's right: as of today, anyone who owns money can choose to own this game instead of owning some of that money! 

But please DO NOT buy Battle Thunder Worm. More on that in a minute.

www.battlethunderworm.com

The original rules for BTW were developed by my son Malcolm (pardon the parental bragging) and my nephew Micah (pardon the avuncular bragging) a few years ago. They called their prototype "Totally Kid Friendly," and it was just some doodles on scrap paper. It was brilliant. Playing was so much fun, I couldn't help but take on the roll of cigar-smoking record exec. "You kids have something special," I told them, "You're going to be huge! The Queen of England will want your autographs! What you've got here is special and I love everything about it! Absolutely everything! All we have to do is...  lose the name, change the rules, redo all the art, and cut both of you out of the process as much as possible."

Three years later, here we are.  The biggest bottleneck was that the game needed lots of art, and we didn't have the talent or bandwidth to pull that off. So when we sent out invitations to Malcolm's Bar Mitzvah, we asked guests to contribute drawings, and our family and friends came through in a major way. Battle Thunder Worm has some of the best (and least best) card game art since the invention of The Spade.

So should you buy this game? Almost definitely not. 

Battle Thunder Worm is dreadfully fun, especially when combined with the expansion deck, Battle Thunder Words. But buying both of them is inordinately expensive. We're selling them through The Game Crafter, a print-on-demand board game company. Even with no markup, buying both games and shipping them to your fanny pack will cost about $40 (assuming your fanny pack has its own address and it is within the continental United States.) As much as we all love both Malcolm and fun, it's cheaper to fill your fanny pack with real worms. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

A Self-Contained Geekosystem

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for September, "Go Go Baby," brings together several flavors of dweebery in one astral conjunction of nerd-tastic dork-iment. 

The goal was to make something that could pass for a 60s French pop song. Unfortunately, our accents are the French equivalent of Dick van Dyke's Cockney accent in Mary Poppins. 

If you can see past that part, the true dweebery of this song is that the lyrics are all acrostics, and other than in the chorus, they are acrostics of TV and movie characters. This is not just geeky... it has its own self-contained geekosystem. 

This is easier to show then tell, so follow along with the pictures and enjoy/cringe!

With warmest regards,

Zach

Locomotive (Length and) Breadth

Dear Friends,

I think I'll do digest or two about the some of the musicians who have influenced me over the years. Just don't ask me who my favorite band is. If you do, I will hug you gently, kiss you on the hair, and tell you that I love all bands equally. 

But secretly, I probably do have an all-time favorite band... Jethro Tull. 

Stop rolling your eyes and hear me out. Most of Jethro Tull's classic catalog was recorded before I was born, but I discovered them in the mid-90s, when I was just getting into songwriting. And to this day, I am still trying (and failing) to emulate front man Ian Anderson's acoustic guitar technique and instrumental arrangements. The Hard Taco song for August is called "A Proper Send-Off," and while it is not the best example of this, there is certainly a Tull footprint in there. (Just one footprint, mind you, because Anderson only stands on one leg...) 

If you've never given much thought to Jethro Tull, here is everything you need to know. The band borrowed their name from an influential 18th century agriculturist and author. Identity theft requires 100% commitment, so the band also stole the original Jethro Tull's writings on agriscience and repurposed them for their album titles, song titles, and lyrics.

Tull has been credited with revolutionizing the landscape of British progressive rock through a relentless touring schedule. They also revolutionized the actual British landscape through a relentless plowing schedule. 

Their most popular song, Aqualung, was considered innovative when it was released in 1971 because it had exactly no flute in it. Jethro Tull had finally figured out the formula for commercial success that had eluded all of their prog rock contemporaries... the lack of any flute-playing whatsoever. But in the years that followed, Ian Anderson found himself unable to reproduce that formula, putting out album after album without noticing that he had peppered every song with ear-splitting flute solos. 

Album sales dwindled after the 1970s, but Anderson was able to capitalize on their brief success by selling the rights to his life story for a movie adaptation called The Karate Kid. 

In the last few decades, Anderson's singing may have deteriorated, but his flute-playing became more expressive. Now in his 70s, Anderson refuses to use his speaking voice during interviews, answering all questions with dynamic arpeggios and breathy trills while bulging his eyes out. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

Summer Folk Tales

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for July is called, "Fighting Weight." I dug deep to find that special sauce that turns regular white music into white funk. 

Summer is for campfires, and a good campfire invokes memories of camp counselors telling stories on a dark night. In particular, I think about folk tales about anthropomorphic animals and the lessons they teach us. For this month's digest, I've written three such folk tale, and I hope one of these makes it to your summer campfire. 

The Ring of Life

One morning, a young farm girl awoke to learn that her father had butchered a baby pig that she loved. Her father, the farmer, looked all over for her, and eventually found her in the barn, weeping. 

"It's true that we eat the pig," he told her, "but when we die, our bodies go the earth and feed the grass. The horse eats the grass, and the horse's manure becomes the breeding ground for flies. Then bats eat the flies and leave their droppings on the field where we grow the soybeans that feed the pigs."

"So life is kind of like a big circle?" she asked, feeling somewhat comforted.

"Not really," the father continued, "You see, we also kill the horses to make glue. That glue is used to hold together the fuselage of the mid-sized aircraft that drop incendiary bombs on military and civilian targets. Most of the victims have insurance policies that pay out a settlement to their next of kin, who will just gamble the whole thing away, mostly on online sports betting. The top 10 gambling mega-corporations have a 98% market share, with over $40 billion in holdings."

"So... it's kind of like a lasso of life, rather than a circle?" the girl asked.

"Something like that," the farmer said, and handed her a plate of bacon. 

The Blackbird and the Blacksmith

Said the blacksmith to the blackbird, "I have weary legs and a weary back. Would that I could fly like you. But alas, my hairy arms are not built for flight."

Said the blackbird to the blacksmith, "I have weary wings and a weary beak. Would that I could walk the streets like you. But alas, my tiny talons are not built for long walks."

So they made a pledge. The blackbird agreed that she would grant the smith the power of flight for one full day. In return, the blacksmith would fashion strong and beautiful shoes for the blackbird as he had done for the horse, so that she could hike the earth without damaging her delicate feet.

And so the smith stayed awake for three nights, forging shoes for the blackbird. On the morning of the fourth day, he attached them to her talons, and they fit perfectly. But the iron was so very heavy. "I can neither walk nor fly," said the poor blackbird.

And now it was time for her to fulfill her promise to the blacksmith. She lighted a candle that would burn for one full day, no more and no less. "As long as this flame lives," she told him, "you will have mighty plumage that can carry you to the heavens."

No sooner had she said those words then the blacksmith sprouted luxurious feathers. He took flight at once. He glided to the top of the highest church and out over the sea. But he was brazen as he was careless, and flew too far to see that the candle had burned down. As the flame died, his wings retreated into his hairy back, and he fell to the earth, crippling his hairy legs. "I can neither walk nor fly," said the poor blacksmith.

But the blackbird could still flap her wings, stoking the blacksmith's fires. And as she did, the fires spread from the forge to his hairy arms, burning off all the hair. And blackbird laughed her ass off, because he looked ridiculous with hairless arms.

The Great Bear

If you ever go for a hike in bear country, the Park Ranger may tell you to wear a bell on your ankle to ward off bears. But can a little bell really frighten a full-grown grizzly bear?

The Athabascans of Alaska tell the story that there was once a Great Bear named Shesh Desna. She was so big that when she stood on her hind legs, Mount Denali itself would cower in her shadow.  When Shesh Desna was hungry, she would take giant bites out of a glacier. When she was thirsty, she would drink an entire volcanic lake. And when Shesh Desna roared, a whole forest of spruce trees would tremble in fear and drop all of their needles at once.

The brown bears of Alaska were all her children, and she promised them they would never go hungry. 

"How can you promise this," they asked, "We are not as large as a mountain nor as fearsome as a volcano. The salmon are plenty, but they are nimble and easily swim away from us. Is there no prey that is slow enough for us to catch?"

"There is," said Shesh Desna, "And I will make it so you can find it easily, for it will announce its presence with a gentle jingle jangle. This sound shall be your dinner bell."

And with that, Shesh Desna transformed herself into a friendly-looking Park Ranger. To this day, she travels from park to park, counseling tourists to wear bells. She also encourages them to buy "bear spray," which is actually just a rebranding of Silly String. For Shesh Desna knew that firing Silly String at an attacking bear is a hilarious way for a hiker to spend their last few moments.

With warmest regards,

Zach

Happy Wedding, So-and-so and Whats-her-face

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for May is called, "God and Amazon." I set out to create something reminiscent of the theme music to Stranger Things, but the song was a rebellious teenager and had different ideas for itself. It just wanted to hang out with the stoner crowd, wallow in angst and wear Pink Floyd T-shirts. I don't know what to do. We try so hard for our songs, but I guess that sometimes we just need to give them space and hope they eventually find their own way. 

One of my academic mentors, Jim Albers, once told me that I shouldn't put a lot of effort into creating anything new unless I can use it at least five times. It takes hours to research for a presentation, make slides, and practice the delivery, so if you only give the presentation once, you haven't gotten a good return on your investment. The trick is to repurpose it for different audiences and tinker with it, so it gets better over time.

I have tried to take that advice at work, and to a lesser degree outside of work. While I still record an original song every month, there is one song that I have recycled EIGHT times. Today, we're going to meet that 8-headed hydra, the Happy Wedding Song. 

1. "Happy Wedding, Molly and Paul"- 2005

Here is how the story starts. I was invited to two out-of-town weddings on the same weekend, and I had to choose between the friend I was closer to and the friend whose party was more likely to be fun. I went with the latter, because bad decisions make better stories. Afterwards, I tried to make it up to the couple I jilted by writing them a wedding song, burning it onto a CD and mailing it to them. Here is that song: 

2. "Happy Wedding, Joanna and Zach" - 2006

Later that year, my cousin got married, and I forgot to send her a present. When my family brought this to my attention, it was already 2006, and I was both RACKED and WRACKED with guilt. So, I modified the lyrics to the Happy Wedding song to be about my cousin and her husband and mailed it to them on a CD-R. 

3. "Happy Wedding, Parkie and Joe"- 2006

A few months after that, I had to turn down a wedding invitation to take my neurology board examination. By this point, musical apologies had become second nature. I don't think the recording of this one survived, but here are the lyrics:

So Parkie got married to a guy I'd never met

In the wedding of the century that none shall soon forget

And I missed it for some stupid test, a move I now regret

I had to chew my fingers off 'cause I was so upset

I had to chew my fingers off 'cause I was so upset

So happy wedding Parkie and Joe

The fact we missed it tops the list of things that really blow

And it's not just that we came in late, we didn't even show

But if you have another one, I swear to God we'll go

So happy wedding Parkie and Joe

Your love's a solid victory for Cupid's mighty bow

For it's stronger than a wildebeest and sweet as cookie dough

And richer than a chocolate cake or even Ross Perot

So happy wedding Parkie and Joe

The next time we're in Georgia we'll swing by and say hello

First we'll tour the Jimmy Carter house then come and see your show

And visit the High Museum where they keep Whitney Houston's fro

So happy wedding Parkie and Joe

We haven't even seen your face since five long years ago

Now we wish you all the happiness that marriage can bestow

And we love you more than Jesus does (It's true... he told me so)

4. "Happy Wedding, Adriene and Jon"- 2012

Once you get into your mid-30s, wedding invitations inevitably slow to a trickle, so I didn't find an occasion to auto-plagiarize the song for the next six years. This time, it was for a wedding party toast rather than an apology. I don't really like to perform original music in front of a live audience, so this video is a bit of an anomaly.

5. "Happy Wedding, Russell and Dawn" - 2013

The next year, my brother-and-sister-in-law were married. Maybe I performed this version live? I don't remember, but I don't seem to have a recording of it. And since Dawn sort of rhymes with Jon, I was even able to reuse a couple of the lines from the prior iteration.  

So Russ is getting married, and by now I hope you’ve met 

His fiancé, who is currently both Jewish and brunette

And despite the fees to Match.com which put them both in debt

The groom and bride have DIY’d the greatest wedding yet

The groom and bride have DIY’d the greatest wedding yet

So happy wedding, Russell and Dawn

The bride will be a vision in her ivory chiffon

And in previewing the slideshow I can see why Russ was drawn

It wasn’t long ago she was a shiksa and a blonde 

The wedding will be charming, so we thank you in advance

We can notch another victory for internet romance

For Dawn, we hope that every day with Russ provides a chance

To fidget with your hair a lot and photograph some plants

To fidget with your hair and photograph some boring plants

So happy wedding, Russell and Dawn

Your nuptials have raised the bar for weddings from now on

If marriages were condiments then yours would be Dijon

It's the most romantic thing since Princess Leia married Han

So here's to all the special things your marriage has in store

A life of love and joy and Kurasawa films galore

And you will find each other cute for fifty years or more

Which in my book would qualify as being way hard core

Which in my book would qualify as being way hard core

So happy wedding, Russell and Dawn

Enjoy your trek to Reykjavik, have fun, goodbye, so long

To Iceland, that’s the country Russ’s play is based upon

Which makes me glad that Thorstein didn’t take place in Iran

So Happy Wedding, Russell and Dawn

You’ve bought so many books, your bank account is overdrawn

But Russ gets paid to act, there’s always that to fall back on 

Like when he did a touch of soft-core porn for Wild Swan

So happy wedding, here’s to Dawn and Russ

A marriage never lasts, they say, if only built on lust

But yours is built on love of cats, on Melville and on trust

So [RADIO EDIT], I’m sure that you’ll adjust

6. "It's Your Bat Mitzvah, Scarlett Avalyn"- 2018

Why limit yourself to weddings, when there are so many life cycle events begging to be celebrated in song? We serenaded Scarlett with a personalized toast at her Bat Mitzvah party. Thanks to Kelly Cameron for finding this video on her phone after I published this digest, so I could re-release a live music version! 

7. "Happy Wedding, Andy and Coleen"- 2020

My cousin Andy tied the knot in a small private ceremony in Napa Valley during the pandemic-soaked summer of 2020. We were driving to visit my parents on the day that this video was "due," so we pulled over into a parking lot off the highway and perched the phone in hatch of Lauren's car to record this.  

8. "It's Your Bar Mitzvah, Malcolm David L." - 2021

Finally, we had Malcolm's Bar Mitzvah (and party) virtually this year, so Lauren and I sang this into camera eye of the computer at which I am now facing. 

So that's all eight versions so far. If anyone has an audio or video clip of the missing ones, please send them my way!

Meanwhile, I'll just keep biding my time until I get invited to a funeral of someone whose name has four or five syllables.

With warmest regards,

Zach