There is a lot of great content from Fortress Party 2012, so we're going to break this up into little pieces parts, starting with Mayan Madness.
The Ancient Mayans were on everyone's minds, because the Mayan calendar had predicted the end of the world would be around December 21, 2012, less than two weeks after Fortress Party. (It turns out, they were off by a few years...)
You idea of the room is that you were a spectator at an ancient Mayan basketball game. If you don't know much about Mayan basketball, here are the basics. Tlachtli was sport in which players (likely prisoners of war), tried to get a natural rubber ball through a vertical wooden hoop without using their hands. This is very hard to do, so the winner would be the first team to score one basket.
The home team was the Uxmal Plumed Serpents. And this picture alludes to the other defining feature of Mayan basketball... The spectators would behead the members of the losing team as a sacrifice to the war god.
When I first learned about this in high school, I swear they said that it was the winners who were decapitated, not the losers. With that misconception, the psychology of the game becomes even more fascinating, and the organizational structure of the playoff bracket even more convoluted.
There's a hotel in Guatemala that tries to give guests the real Ancient Mayan tourist experience by reenacting Mayan Basketball. We ripped their promotional YouTube video and projected it onto a sheet, so you could watch game.
These two announcers sat behind the bleachers and called the game. Listening to their banter was the best thing about Mayan Madness. There was a play-by-play guy, Joe, and a color commentator, Gus. Here is the recording of their commentary. I recommend listening to it on your drive to work tomorrow, or whenever you next go back to work. (See Appendix A below for full transcript.)
For the kids, there was Pop-a-Shot, but instead of basketballs, they would shoot baskets with styrofoam heads. After all, if you behead all of the players, there would be plenty leftover on the court.
Appendix A: Mayan Basketball play-by-play script
Joe:
Good evening ladies and gentleman and welcome to Cacao Arena and home of your Uxmal Southern Mayan Lowland pok-ta-tok basketball. Tonight the Uxmal plumed serpents take on the Northern Central Meso-American Yucatan Howler Monkey Gods. I’m Joe Roberts, and up here in the booth with me tonight is Gus Griffin.
Gus:
And this is going to be a sensational match-up. Uxmal coming off a much-needed bye two weeks after their starters were all beheaded following a victory against Teotihuacan. They’ve had an extra week to recover, and they’re as healthy as you can hope for this late in the season, but they’re going to have their hands full going against this Yucatan team who has been perfect on the road so far this year.
Joe:
At this time we ask that you remove your feathered headdresses as we honor this great nation with our national anthem.
And now for tonight’s starters, first for the visiting Meso-American Yucatan Howler Monkey Gods.
At forward, from Chichen Itza, #19 - CHAK KWA yab SHOK
At forward, from Tenochtitlan, #5- Ahb KIN soc
At center, from Tikal, # 9 - Ah KAN kwam
At guard, from University of Coba, # 21 - TLaK O LOTL
And at guard, from Chichen Itza #23 - ET sam AN WAK’o
The head coach of the Northern Central Meso-American Yucatan Howler Monkey Gods is BWA l’wak CHahB tan
And now, the starting line up for your Uxmal Plumed Serpents!
At forward, from Cival, 5’3”, #3, Ka MAH SoTS
At forward, from Q’umarkaj, 5’6”, #10 - Ah KUSH tal
At center, from University of Coba, 4’11”, 14, - Ah wa wak TE kab
At guard, from Chichen Itza State, 5’3”, #26 - CHEK kan
And at guard, from Tikal Tech , 5’2”, #30 - Ah PWaSH
The head coach of your Uxmal Plumed Serpents is Bo lun Te Kwa. Ladies and gentleman, your Uxmal Plumed Serpents!
Joe:
There’s the tip off and here we go.
The Howler Monkey Gods travel well, don’t they, Gus?
Gus:
Yeah, there are a lot of brown and red feathers in the crowd today. This is over a month’s journey for them by oxcart, and they’re really hoping to take this home crowd out of the game early.
Joe:
Ahb KIN soc’ with the assist. CHEK kan drives in for the score, defensive rebound by CHAK KWA yab SHOK. Uxmal has the ball back. Ka MAH SoTS with the ball.
Gus:
No one runs the pick 2 better than the plumed serpents.
Joe:
TLaK O LOTL is pressing close. He makes the steal.
Gus:
That’s the third turnover tonight by Yucatan.
Joe:
TLaK O LOTL with the fast break, he passes it to ET sam AN WAK’o and he goes in for the quick layup, and the Howler Monkey gods have drawn blood again.
Gus:
They ran that zone shift perfectly. That’s really just a half court trap, and CHEK kan was just too late in sniffing it out.
Joe:
CHEK kan calls his play now. He fakes the dump. The point guard is rolling out! Trying to pass the ball all the way across the court. He’s got Ah KUSH tal right below the hoop. It’s good!
Gus:
What a catch. Oh, man, woman and child! He went right up there with TLaK O LOTL and just took the ball away from TLaK O LOTL. What a magnificent grab and score.
Joe:
It’ll be 9 minutes and 18 seconds. Yucatan to bring the ball in. Ah PWaSH stands at the left hash. He passes it in the center, Ah wa wak TE kab, who gives it right back to Ah PWaSH. He ducks in under the center and presses up court.
Gus:
What a spin move! Ahb KIN soc must have thought he was following a piece of smoke from his burnt offering, or something. Ah wa wak TE kab made about thirty-eight moves on him! And then went outside of him and a Uxmal man went clear over the top. That was all ball. No doubt about it.
Joe:
He just walked up to the other team’s coach and handed him the incinerated remains of his ancestors.
Gus:
Now that’s crossing the line, if you ask me. You’re riled up, you just made a big play, but that might be crossing the line by laying waste to coach Bo lun Te Kwa’s ancestors, incinerating them, and setting them at his feet in an urn with some incense.
Joe:
That’s another miss by #9, Ah KAN kwam. His free throw percentage is one of the best in the league, not counting tonight. When he’s fouled, he literally transforms into an animal. A jaguar deity made of fire.
Gus:
Real fire, and when he’s a jaguar deity he is also the patron of the number seven. That’s a number that has all kinds of meanings, but to defenders, all of them are bad news.
Joe:
Ah wa wak TE kab with the shot from the field.
Gus:
I was talking with Coach Bo lun Te Kwa about this young man out of Chichen Itza. First of all, he’s 5’3”, so he’s got the height, and he’s fast. But this is Mayan basketball, people, so it’s all about the hips and elbows. He told me this guy has got some of the softest elbows he’s seen in the whole region that will one day be Guatemala. His stance, his fundamentals, his athleticism. Coach told me that this young man is going to be honorably decapitated for the glory of the maize god very soon.
Joe:
If not tonight, then certainly early this season. Ka MAH SoTS and Ah KUSH tal were trying to cover ET sam AN WAK’o and Ahb KIN soc’.
Gus:
That’s like trying to cover a whole tribe of Aztecs with a single cliff-dwelling. It’s just not going to happen!
Joe:
And we’re spreading the ball around nicely tonight. As usual, they’ve made arrangements to behead the winners of tonight’s game.
Gus:
You know, Joe, the players union has been pushing back about that rule. They are trying to work into their contract that they will only behead one player from the winning team, whoever scored the most points in a given game. Joe, I don’t want to call these players greedy, but if you’re a fan, you’ve got to wonder. These players are given one of the greatest honors in meso-American history, the league pays for their ceremonial loincloths, and now they want to NOT be decapitated?
Joe:
Well they just want to have their leading scorer be put to death.
Gus:
That’s a slippery slope if you ask me.
Joe:
You said it, Gus. But you know what’s not a slippery slope? These pyramids we’re in. They’re sort of step-shaped. I’m not even sure it’s really fair to call them pyramids.
The foul is called on #23 - ET sam AN WAK’o, the second foul for the Howler Monkey Gods.
TLaK O LOTL with the jump shot. It’s a perfect swish and just like that Yucatan is back on top.
Gus:
TLaK O LOTL really seems to have the Plumed Serpents’ number tonight. They just don’t have an answer for his hip shot.
Joe:
Time out Plumed Serpents, that’s Uxmal’s first charged time out. The score is Plumed Serpents 16, Howler Monkey Gods 12
Gus:
Its time for today's UPS delivery of the game. UPS surprises one lucky fan with a special delivery at every Plumed Serpents game... and here's Poopsy the Plumed Serpent in today's winning section, 219, with the UPS delivery of the game. One lucky fan in 219 is going home with a plumed serpents gift box, including a Plumed Serpents 260 day calendar and tools for blood-letting at home. Brown delivers amazing things for you, no matter what you do in business. UPS. WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR YOU?
Joe:
We’re back after the break, and if you’re just joining us, this has been a tight contest, and tempers are hot.
Gus:
And Joe, it looks like there’s a little extra-curricular action out there.
Joe:
Yes, CHAK KWA yab SHOK kind of pushes off Ah PWaSH right at half court, and now the two are getting in each other’s face and calling on their animal spirits. The ref’s having trouble breaking these two up.
Gus:
It looks like he’s going to have to put a couple poison darts in his blowgun and put those two down.
Joe:
Well, that’s two more heads for the sun god, but you hate to see it end that way.
Gus:
These guys really need to keep their heads in the game.
Joe:
CHAK KWA yab SHOK tips it and it’s up for grabs. He recovers it himself and drives up for the layup. Ah KAN kwam is all over him though, and this fast break is going no where.
Gus:
That’s his third blocked shot since he started wearing the deer skull painted blue.
Joe:
We’ve got just over 4 minutes left in the first, and there’s the whistle. ET sam AN WAK’o is hobbling a bit. It looks like he came down awkwardly after that jump shot.
Gus:
From here I’d say Ah PWaSH may have shoved an obsidian-tipped spear between his shoulder blades.
Joe:
You’re right, and that certainly explains it. The plumed serpents got away with one there.
Gus:
You can see in the replay that’s clearly a defensive foul and refs just plain missed it. You hate to see this if you’re sitting in the visitor’s section right now. That is an injury the howler monkey gods just can’t afford at this point in the game.
Joe:
We’ll wait to hear how serious the injury is and take a quick break for station identification. The score is Howler Monkey Gods 26, Plumed Serpents 19
Gus:
Plumed Serpents fans, join us again on Tuesday, April 2 when the Plumed Serpents host the Ixtapalaketl Small Pox Victims. That's Tuesday, April 2 at 7:30pm. For tickets, go to plumedserpents.com or visit the Cacao Arena Box Office today!
Joe:
So we’re back at Cacao Arena, the Uxmal Plumed Serpents keeping it close with the Yucatan Howler Monkey Gods. And here’s the update from the sidelines about ET sam AN WAK’o. It is a back injury, it is from the obsidian-tipped spear, and his return is questionable. They’re going to cover him with army ants during half time and set him on fire and we’ll see if that’s good enough for him to return in the second half. In the meantime, he’s going to take a breather and lick the back of a hallucinogenic frog or two.
Gus:
The reality of the situation is, we’re going to sacrifice all the players at the end of the game anyway, so I think it’s safe to say that if ET sam AN WAK’o does not return tonight, he’s out for the season.
Joe:
Uxmal is 8 for 13 from the field, 1 for 3 on 3 point shots for 33%.
Gus:
Joe, It’s going to be a long night for coach Bo lun Te Kwa if the serpents can’t find a way to slow down this Yucatan offense. They’re putting up massive points in the paint, and blocking shots like our ancestral hero, Xbalanque. They need to D-up and give their post players a chance to get open.
Joe:
Ahb KIN soc takes the offensive foul and lines up for the free throw.
Gus:
This young man has had a phenomenal year. He’s on the leaderboard for points from turnover, offensive rebounds, and he recently wooed the daughter of an Earth God by transforming himself into game, bees, snakes, and locusts.
Joe:
He makes the first shot, it’s 1 and 1. And if he gets the second shot, they say he becomes the Sun and his wife, the Moon.
There’s the run and gun and… it’s good! The leading scorer for the Plumed Serpents tonight is forward Ka MAH SoTS.
Gus:
I talked to him this afternoon, and he is really keyed up about this game. He feels that the Yucatan team doesn’t respect our defense, and they weren’t going to come into our house, our step pyramid, and dishonor our venerable warrior-hags. He told me that our boys have a few tricks up their loincloths.
Joe:
Well, this game plan has been full of surprises.
Gus:
I did not expect that play where he released the rabid spider monkeys on the Yucatan point guard.
Joe:
No, they had to reach deep into their playbook for that one. And now the Plumed Serpents are coming out to the 3-point line wearing deer skulls painted blue. Ah KUSH tal sinks another one and now that’s five in a row.
Gus:
This is their biggest scoring run tonight, and Ah KUSH tal is mooning for the crowd. He’s sacrificing his own blood in front of the Howler Monkey God’s bench, and now he’s scattering incense, or perhaps seed kernels at the feet of their virginal cheerleaders.
Joe:
So Coach Bo lun Te Kwa is calling for a time out. That’s their first.
Gus:
Uxmal fans, it’s 2012 and if you’ve looked at the calendar recently, you know that the world is going to end within the next few days. That means you’ve got to hurry if you want to take advantage of group ticket rates. Corporate outing, church or civic trip, or a night out with friends - if you can get 20 or more people together, the Plumed Serpents have a deal for you! Uxmal Plumed Serpents group tickets offer a chance to save hundreds of quetzals. For more details, visit plumedserpents.com or call 404-8BE-HEAD. That’s 404-823-4323. Don’t miss this deal before we’re all swallowed up by molten anger raining down from the heavens.
Joe:
Back to the game now, Ka MAH SOTS takes it in himself, and he’s taking his time, waiting for the play to develop. A quick drive and then a backward pass and there’s the jump shot. The basket is by #9, Ah KAN kwam.
Gus:
That’s a shallow zone play. It’s a variation of the old 4 Out Swing Rattle where the hero defeats the twin deities of Thunder and Lightning and establishes a pact with them.
Joe:
Yucatan presses, and there’s 3 point basket by #14 - Ah wa wak TE kab. And I can tell from all the way up here that he filed all of his teeth down to a point in preparation for tonight’s game.
Gus:
Joe, they’ve called his number a lot tonight. I think the filed teeth are part of it, but he also has one of the flattest foreheads in the league.
Joe:
That’s his mother’s doing, isn’t it?
Gus:
That’s right. His mother strapped a board on his head when he was infant to flatten his forehead and make him cross-eyed, so he’d look more like the cross-eyed flat-headed Mayan sun god.
Joe:
Well, my parents did that to me, too, Gus, but I don’t have a jump shot like that.
Gus:
Well, he’s a gifted young man, and it will be a real treat to watch them cut off that flat head of his at the end of regulation.
Joe:
Uxmal comes out with the Box Set. They’ve got their big man down deep and it looks like the Howler Monkey Gods are calling an overload. It’s TLaK O LOTL again, and again he drives in on CHEK kan for an easy 2.
Gus:
Well, he makes it look easy. I can tell you, it’s not. The reason that play works so well is that they stress concentration and execution. BWA l’wak CHahB tan used to coach in the Inca league before he came to Yucatan, and so he knows the importance of fundamentals, timing, and spacing between the players. You’ve got to run the right plays for the right personnel packages, design your plays to flow into the offense, and put your players in good position to get the rebound.
Joe:
Uxmal is running a 1-2-2 set, which they do for all their plays.
Gus:
Yucatan loves having the big guys like Ah wa wak TE kab, guys who are 5’3”, 5’4”, have those bigger players screen for the smaller guards. This creates mismatches and problems for the defense. You can clear out the lane for your post player or you could clear a wing so your guard can take the bigger, slower post player to the basket.
Joe:
Yeah, and the other thing is tying a deer skull painted-blue to the top of your players’ heads.
Gus:
There’s no substitute for practice, execution, and having a blue deer skull tied to your head.
Joe:
Ah KUSH tal feeds the ball to CHEK kan. He goes one-on-one against the forward, the rest of the team is in the picket fence set. CHEK kan drops it off to Ka MAH SoTS who takes the fade shot and it’s… no good. CHAK KWA yab SHOK rebounds and Yucatan has the ball back.
Gus:
This Yucatan team is in their throwback uniforms tonight. Rather than wearing their usual brightly-colored yam-based textiles woven into capes, blouses, and loincloths, they’re sporting loincloths made from black iguana hide and scarab beetles.
Joe:
A quick sideline slice, a post under the basket, and he passes it back.
Gus:
Plumed Serpent fans, only one Chick-fil-A Family Night remains. Join us on Saturday, December 15, when the Plumed Serpents host the Yaxchilan Cheap Ass Ocarinas at 8:00PM. The first 5,000 fans at the game will receive Plumed Serpents team posters compliments of Goya, and stick around after the game for your chance to get some autographs from your favorite Uxmal players. Chick-fil-A Family Night packages are going fast, and the world is ending later this month, so visit plumedserpents.com to purchase yours today!
Joe:
We’ve got a nail-biter here at Cacao Arena. It’s 3 minutes in the third, and the score is Howler Monkey Gods 46, Plumed Serpents 44. The Uxmal coach is taking this opportunity to call upon the gods with dances and music of drums, whistles, and conch shell horns. He’s chanting, isn’t he?
Gus:
He’s definitely chanting, the drumming and war cries traditionally signify the start of the battle, and his team has certainly been fighting a battle tonight. His players respond to that kind of intensity.
Joe:
The forward, Ka MAH SoTS, is pricking his tongue and foreskin using a stingray spine and dripping blood onto a piece of paper. He’s going to burn it into the sky to show his respect for his coach.
Gus:
That’s the kind of team mentality they have around here. These guys all want the same thing. They don’t need to thrash the Howler Monkey Gods, they just need to score one more point then them.
Joe:
Then they’ll get the W, and that’s all that matters. You get the win, then you get to be ritually decapitated at the altar and have your head thrown down the sides of the step pyramid into a sinkhole and your body desecrated by cannibalistic demon-priests.
Gus:
That’s what every players wants.
Joe:
TLaK O LOTL in the left wing pressing to the right elbow area. He follows the pass and dribbles to the right wing. His forwards are setting up for a double screen, but TLaK O LOTL take a step back and goes for the three. A miss, but CHAK KWA yab SHOK goes up for it and dunks it for an easy rebound. Yucatan pulls away by another two points.
Gus:
Cheering on your Uxmal Plumed Serpents begins at Meijer. Whether you’re cheering at home or at the game you’ll find everything you need to get into the game. From snacks to party trays, cacao drinks, honey liquor and incense nodules, human hearts, chairs and grills– Meijer has it all! Meijer. Higher standards. Lower prices.
Joe:
The veteran Ka MAH SoTS with the 3-pointer. He has quietly racked up 12 points tonight.
Gus:
Ka MAH SoTS has been a fan favorite for a long time, now. It’s easy to forget that he played for two years at the Flower Mountain before going pro. Flower Mountain is basically a mythological aquatic and solar paradise, and Ka MAH SoTS spent his rookie season there with his mentor, Ah Ciliz, the god of solar eclipses. He also played under position coach Ah Muzencab, the god of bees, and Ajbit, one of the thirteen creator gods who helped construct humanity from Maize back before the dawn of time.
Joe:
So there’s the whistle and it’s another time out for Uxmal. This will be a thirty second time out. And out comes our mascot, Poopsy the Plumed Serpent, and he’s got an ocarina gun.
Gus:
He’s firing ocarinas into the crowd, ocarinas shaped like owls, ocarinas shaped like jaguars, ocarinas shaped like toucans, ocarinas shaped like an old man embracing naked women, ocarinas filled with cheese fries. These little instruments are great for making ethnic sounding music, and it’s not that hard to play “Smoke on the Water” on them, either.
Joe:
We’re all tied up at 52, and as the fourth quarter starts, this crowd is on its feet. These fans are really something else, aren’t they, Gus?
Gus:
Absolutely. These fans have an amazing understanding of mathematics. Did you know these people have a number system based on units of 20 and actually understand the concept of the number zero? What other pre-Columbian society can say that? I tell, you when it comes to astronomy, architecture, and agriculture, these fans are number one.
Joe:
It is just a mystery to me how this entire civilization is just going to die off, just like that.
Gus:
Stick around for today’s half time show. Plumed Serpents mascots and Dance Team members will be there, and great prizes for Uxmal trivia will be given out. Vucub-Caquix the bird demon will sever the arm of hero twin.
Joe:
He really is the personification of wickedness.
Gus:
Plumed Serpent Viewing Parties, presented by Budweiser, are the best way to keep up with the Plumed Serpents on the road. Come on out and join us at Sidelines Sports Bar and Grill in Marietta next Friday to see the Plumed Serpents take on the Jaguar Paws. The fun starts at 7:00pm on UPN-69.
Joe:
And we’re back. Gus, I’m having trouble interpreting the score, because it just looks like a bunch of primitive hieroglyphs.
Gus:
Yes, it looks like some kind of macaw with a nose ring. I believe that means the score is a blow out, one way or the other.
Joe:
We’ll check in with scores from around the league, and be back after half time.
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