A Bunch of Terrible Pharmaceutical Puns. Look Away.

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for May is called, "Please Don't Pet Me While I'm Working." If there was a primordial demon that fed on funk, it would positively feast on this song! Okay, fine, maybe not. But if started to get peckish at 4 pm, it would nibble on it enough to tide it over until dinner.  

Did you know that if you mix Dayquil and NyQuil in just the right proportions, you get cold medicine that you can be taken at 7 pm without disrupting your normal sleep-wake cycle? It's called Twiquil.

Not only is that unfunny, but it is a chilling harbinger of the diaphragmatic spasms you will soon experience. For the remainder of this digest consists only of riddles about over-the-counter medications, each calibrated to induce progressively harder groans.

First, try to solve them on your own. If you're still stumped, you can use the picture, which includes all of the correct answers. When you're ready to give up, scroll to the bottom. 

Riddles:

1. What do you call an airport that is no longer in Los Angeles?

2. What do you call a draft beer that only costs 10 cents?

3. What's the best thing to put on an April bagel?

4. What did the pseudoephedrine do when it was unfairly slandered by a government officer? 

5. Last night, I had lemons, sugar, and water. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to mix them, so when I became thirsty, I... 

6. You need to console a friend who is currently suffering through life as an electrical tool. Tell them, "It will get better. I know what you're going through because I, too, have..." 

7. Pickled ginger and wasabi just make sushi better. I guess you could call them...

8. When the Israelites were wandering in the desert for forty years, one of them (who was an emergency medicine physician) became suddenly hungry, and shouted, " "Nurse! I need..." 

9. When I was in tird grade I finally quit sucking my...

10.  No! You can't play with that Barbie. She's...

11. I realize that Arthur Curry is a man. I get that part, but I don't understand the purpose of the prefix. What is the... 

12. What do you call a town best known for simple arithmetic?

13. In my estimation, Daniel Craig gets the bronze and Pierce Brosnan the silver, but Sean Connery will always be the... 

14. Sorry for giving you COVID, Bullwinkle. I feel bad that I... 

15. Why did the acetaminophen stay at an aviary in Bangkok? Because it's a...

16. What did Humphrey Bogart hurry home?

17. A wanted to make an omelet, so I bought a dozen grade-A jumbos. But when I cracked them open, they all had little pieces of Terpsichore, Calliope, or Euterpe. I immediately called the grocery store and informed them that they inadvertently sold me... 

18.  I can't stop coughing and the only cure is 12 androids. Please let me have my... 

Answer options:

Answer key:

1. Ex-LAX

2. Dime Tap

3. May Lox

4. It sued a fed

5. Lacked Ade

6. Been a drill

7. Roll aids

8. Manna, stat!

9. Tums

10. My doll

11. Aqua for?

12. Addville

13. Gold Bond

14. Made a moose ill

15.  Thailand Owl

16. To see Bacall

17. Muse in eggs

18. Robot dozen

With warmest regards,

Zach

185

Dear Friends,

Welcome to the 185th Hard Taco Digest. This is a significant milestone in my house because 185 is also the name of my family's favorite game to play during road trips, during dinner, and while my kids are trying to do homework or sleep. The rules are simple. Someone suggests a subject, and everyone falls over themselves to tell jokes about that subject. The catch is that all of the jokes are y identical until the last line. The framework of the joke is as follows:

185 [blanks] walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve [blanks] here." 185 [blanks] say, "[punchline]."

It is an exercise in exquisite puncraft, and it favors quantity over quality. A true master must fashion no fewer than 20 bad jokes on any subject to establish his or her puncraftsmanship.

The Hard Taco song for November is called, "Your Best Emily Dickinson." In honor of this song's namesake, I will demonstrate a round of 185 using poets as the subject.

1.
185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "No problem. We called a taxi and it's SONNETS way."

2.
185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "Well guys, shall we just go HOMER find a different bar?"

3.
185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "But I already ordered a martini... THE ROAD NOT SHAKEN, but stirred."

4.
185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "We can't leave yet. Our sister told us to METER here."

5.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "But the bouncer just told us to CUMMINGS side!"

6.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "I'll leave, but IAMB not happy about it."

7.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "This is the VERSE night of our lives."

8.

185 poets with lisps walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets with lisps here."
185 poets with lisps say, "If I were to make a lisht of bad pubsh, thish one would be on the top of that PUBLISHED."

9.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "'Til we finish the contents of this COUPLET us stay."

10.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "I knew you guys were cons-BYRON to kick us out."

11.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "ODE dear."

12.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "Wow. You just said that to our faces point BLAKE."

13.
185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "But we haven't even had a chance to try out EPIC up line that we've been working on!"

14.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "Don't make us hire a (walt w)HITMAN to take you out!"

15.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "Damn MUSE son of a bitch."

16.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "Well, it's getting ALITER-ATE anyway, so we should get going."

17.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "Isn't there anyone here who STANZA up for us?"

18.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "Can Langston HUGHES the bathroom first? Because, you know, Langston really has to go bad."

19.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "That's illegal discrimination... I'll PROSEcute you!"

20.

185 poets walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry.  We don't serve poets here."
185 poets say, "LAGER LAGER EVERYWHERE AND NOT A DROP TO DRINK!"

Think you can do better? Hit me with your best shot. (Which is exactly what 185 Pat Benatars would say to a bartender.)

With warmest regards,
Zach