Fortress Party 2023 - These Are the Voyages

We love doing fortress rooms based on the kind of things that people like to cosplay about... Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, and the Marvel Universe. So it sort of felt like doing a Star Trek room was... what's the word for it, the final frontier?

Welcome to the Bridge of the Enterprise. We had two full walls of cheesy science fiction paneling, a large screen with the obligatory button in front of it, and Jean Luc Picard himself standing in the corner, looking appropriately bald.

Seven of Nine is a character from Star Trek Voyager, not the Next Generation, but I had a silver onesie and rubber ocular implant lying around. Plus, she was in the Picard series, so there some canonical overlap there.

Here is the complete series of push-button videos, including the "Backwards Man" bit that was not, to my knowledge, shown at the party. All scripts by actual Trekkie Jason DePasquale. 

Outside the room was a map of Ann Arbor, and a map of the Star Trek Universe, as well as a small bin of pushpins. We did a similar gag a few years ago, but we didn't have the Star Trek map then, so I didn't feel terrible about bringing it back. 

Fortress Party 2023 - Rocky Horror

Usually, when you come into a Fortress Party, the first thing you see is a series of signs about fire safety, where to put your shoes, what time the kids have to leave, and other important, but tedious bits if knowledge. 

This year, guests would push a button to get all of that information from this instructional video: 

Vocals and Lips - Kristin McSweeney Kelly, Video/Editing - Brendan Kelly

Even though this room was the first area that guests passed through, it also held the biggest secret in the entire party, shown here:

That clear plastic lid tied down with ribbons had a sign that said "Do not open until midnight." Inside the box was a different button, some marshmallows, and a few Audience Participation Scripts. When the after-midnight button was pushed, a new version of the video came on, which included all of the raunchy things the audience was supposed to shout at the screen.  

This parody-of-a-parody was, as I just mentioned, so filthy that I'm too embarrassed to share it here. Maybe after a couple of beers, I can be convinced to pull it up on my phone for you. Or you can just break into my YouTube account and cut out the middleman. 

MORE FUN GODDAMIT!! [sic]

Dear Friends,

Throw a plastic bag over your head right now because your mind is about to be blown, and it's going to get messy.

The new Hard Taco album drops on all major streaming platforms today! 

Little Zippers features all of the Hard Taco songs from the last year, including (and led by) today's song release, the barbershop quartet-inspired "Belt and Suspenders (Grandma Was Put In a Shoebox)."

Where did the album title come from? Oh, there's a great story there. Little Zippers was the name of the name of the preschool I went to when I was a youngster. It's true, you can ask my sister! And if there's a more adorable name for a room full of toddlers, I'll eat that brain-soaked plastic bag on your head. 

I like to think that Little Zippers is an equally apt title for this collection of zippy little tunes. Head over to your favorite streaming platform today and check it out. 

MORE FUN

Last night, Malcolm asked if he could borrow my phone to use my subscription GPT account. When he returned the phone to me 20 minutes later, here is the thread I discovered. Most of us are no longer impressed with AI image generation, but I want you to pay attention to the human side of this conversation, and I'll explain why at the end. 

User:

[Picture of Malcolm's friend on a boat]

This is [friend's name], it’s her birthday today. Make a picture of her having fun in a birthday party.

 

ChatGPT:

Here is an image of a joyful young woman celebrating her birthday at a party.

User:

More fun!!!

 

ChatGPT:

Here's a more lively and fun image of the birthday celebration.

 

User:

She is having EVEN MORE FUN!!!

 

ChatGPT:

The party is now at its peak of excitement and fun.

 

User:

I don’t think it is… I want her to surpass the limit of what was once known as the peak of human enjoyment. I want her to have EVEN MORE FUN!!!

 

ChatGPT:

The celebration has been elevated to a spectacle of pure delight and exuberance.

 

User:

Her fun levels have reached an unreasonable and almost godlike heights.

 

ChatGPT:

The depiction of celebration has transcended to a divine level of enjoyment.

 

User:

MORE FUN GODDAMIT!!

 

ChatGPT:

If you have specific ideas or elements you'd like to see, please let me know, and I'll do my best to incorporate them into a new image.

User: 

She is literally bursting from the immense fun she is experiencing

 

ChatGPT:

The image now portrays an otherworldly celebration, capturing an intensity of joy that's truly cosmic in scale.

 

User:

I said BURSTING!!!

ChatGPT:

It may not be feasible to create an image that accurately represents that concept without potentially creating a depiction that is not in good taste.

 

User:

Not a concept. I want her to explode.

 

ChatGPT:

I'm sorry, I cannot create or provide imagery that depicts harm or violence, even in a metaphorical or exaggerated context like "exploding from fun."

 

User:

She is experiencing so much fun that she is transforming into the concept, she is becoming fun.

 

ChatGPT:

The image represents a magical transformation, where the joy and spirit of the celebration become almost tangible, encapsulating the essence of fun.

 

And that's where the thread ended. And while I laughed harder at each successive picture, it left me feeling strangely... emotional? Because Malcolm is going full Karen on the AI, placing increasingly unrealistic demands on behalf of his friend. He refuses to settle for anything less than absolute and unfettered birthday joy for her, one that pushes all worldly boundaries of jubilation.

Wouldn't you give anything for a friend like that?

With warmest regards,

Zach

All Things Rude

Dear Friends,

This month's Hard Taco song, "Rooticle," is a portmanteau of Rude Cuticle.

Actually, the song is about the spinal nerve roots and symptoms they cause when they are pinched, rubbed, twisted, tickled, or teased.

Do I need a reason to write a song about nerves? No. 

But do I have one? Sort of!

This will be the theme song for the upcoming card game by the same title, scheduled to drop sometime in the next few weeks. It is the first cooperative game and first trick-taking game I've been involved in making. Here's the cover art to get you pumped. 

In the meantime, I've been consolidating all of the games I've designed, medical or otherwise, under the umbrella of NeurdGames, which is a great place to do ironic holiday shopping!

Finally, for those of you who come here to be entertained, not hoodwinked into buying things, I hear you! Here are some other portmanteaus of things being rude. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

(Answers: Roodle, Ruddha, ImpoLighthouse, Snarkansas, Brashtray, InconsideRitz.)

He Chose... Poorly

Dear Friends,

Inspired by my son obtaining his learner's permit, this month's Hard Taco song is called "Pedestrian Came Out Of Nowhere."

I always imagined teaching my kid to drive would be like in the commercials... He'd buckle his seat belt, place both hands on the wheel, and give me a nervous glance. I'd say, "Just like practiced. Shift it into drive and gently release the brake." Then, he'd adjust the mirrors, and we'd share a tender moment slathering our faces in Nakery Beauty Hydra-C Oil to Foam Cleanser. Because for some reason, in this particular fantasy, the commercial we're in is for a skin care product. 

Reality, however, is far less flattering to my complexion. If he flips on his turn signal half a second later then I would have, I sweat. If he edges too close to one side of the garage, I scream. If he comes to a rolling stop at a yield sign, my skin withers, my hair grays and lengthens, and I rapidly decompose like that guy in the Indiana Jones movie who drinks from the false grail.

Perhaps the problem is that we jumped right to putting him in the driver's seat of the family car. He doesn't turn 16 until next May, so I think it might be prudent to slow down and take a more graduated approach. We'll start him out with something simple, like pushing a toy shopping cart. As he hones his skills, we'll grant him progressive responsibility with more complex vehicles...  a full-sized shopping cart, a lawnmower, a go-kart, a tractor, a stagecoach, and a hovering landspeeder (stalling, of course until this invented).

Only after successfully demonstrating proficiency in the 150 fundamental competencies of each of these vehicles, he'll earn his place in the driver's seat of the Ford Fusion. As he turns the key, I'll notice the old toy shopping cart in the back seat and laugh, realizing what a long way we've come from that initial, fictional commercial. And while drinking from the wrong grail and watching your kids drive can both age you 1000 years in a few seconds, I'll rest easy, thanks to Nakery Lift Multi-Peptide Serum, the clinically proven path to radiant skin. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

There's Nothing That A Hundered Men on Mars Could Ever Do

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for September is called, "Lost in the Mondegreen." A mondegreen is a mishearing or misinterpretation of a song lyric in a way that gives it new meaning. Here are illustrations of the song lyrics I most frequently get wrong. 

"Excuse me, walleyed discus guy."
"Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix

"There's a Batman Underoos."
"Bad Moon Rising" by Credence Clearwater Revival

"He's good and fat and tall, rolling Kennedy."
"Rolling In the Deep" by Adele

"Cause I'm just a Steam-age turd-backed baby."
"Teenage Dirtbag" by Weatus

"So let's set the world on fire, weakened worm rider, dentist's son."
"We Are Young" by fun.

"I rented nudes today, oh boy!"
"A Day In the Life" by the Beatles

"Drunken troll to Major Tom."
"Major Tom" by David Bowie

"I've got sunshine, and a Clown D-Day"
"My Girl" by the Four Tops

"A little bad harmonica in my life,"
"Mambo No. 5" by Lou Bega

"Tommy's used to Wakanda dogs."
"Livin' On a Prayer" by Bon Jovi

What are your favorite mondegreens? Comment below. 

 

(Just kidding! Please keep them to yourself. I have no interest in community engagement.)

 

With warmest regards,

Zach

The Extraordinary F-Word

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for August is called, "Wish I'd Spent More Time In the Office."

This song is noteworthy because it contains the rarest of curse words: The F-word! 

The F-word is vanishingly elusive in the wild, especially when it comes to song lyrics, owing to just how explicit and irreverent of a word it is.

It's also very taboo. 

Some might quiver at the thought of a word this vulgar escaping their lips, but not me. Cuss words are like my secret spice rack. I just sprinkle them into conversation as if they were regular words. I have an indecent word or phrase for every occasion. 

The incidence of profane words in Hard Taco songs will demonstrate the magnitude of my swearaholic tendencies:

• The D-word: 20 songs
• The H-word: 16 songs
• The C-word: 7 songs (The other C-word. I'm not that much of a potty mouth.)
• The A-word: 6 songs
• The S-word: 5 songs
• Bitch: 4 songs
• The F-word: 2 songs, one of which was bleeped out.

The obscenest words on this list have proven to be the most boundary-pushing AND envelope-pushing. I unleash a deluge of D-bombs with minimal provocation, but the F-word? I save that for when I really need to raise some serious eyebrows. 

Do I have your attention now? Are you shocked by these naughty bits? 

Deal with it, because I'm not toning it down for anyone, no matter how hard they blush. The world needs to know that Zach is not taking this nonsense lying down, and the only way to show them all is by cursing like a filthy ninja. 

You think ninjas don't talk? Clearly, your sensitive brain has repressed the widely acknowledged truth that ninjas swear constantly. It's part of their code. Ninjas are just a frenetic flurry of inventive expletives and shuriken, and hanging around me is the same experience. (Minus the shuriken, of course. Safety first!)

Sometimes, I say a cuss word when I first wake up, just to get going. 

If you need someone to throw some colorful linguistic grenades with zero remorse, you know who to call. Spoiler alert: It's me. 

With warmest regards,

Zach