A Bunch of Terrible Pharmaceutical Puns. Look Away.

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for May is called, "Please Don't Pet Me While I'm Working." If there was a primordial demon that fed on funk, it would positively feast on this song! Okay, fine, maybe not. But if started to get peckish at 4 pm, it would nibble on it enough to tide it over until dinner.  

Did you know that if you mix Dayquil and NyQuil in just the right proportions, you get cold medicine that you can be taken at 7 pm without disrupting your normal sleep-wake cycle? It's called Twiquil.

Not only is that unfunny, but it is a chilling harbinger of the diaphragmatic spasms you will soon experience. For the remainder of this digest consists only of riddles about over-the-counter medications, each calibrated to induce progressively harder groans.

First, try to solve them on your own. If you're still stumped, you can use the picture, which includes all of the correct answers. When you're ready to give up, scroll to the bottom. 

Riddles:

1. What do you call an airport that is no longer in Los Angeles?

2. What do you call a draft beer that only costs 10 cents?

3. What's the best thing to put on an April bagel?

4. What did the pseudoephedrine do when it was unfairly slandered by a government officer? 

5. Last night, I had lemons, sugar, and water. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to mix them, so when I became thirsty, I... 

6. You need to console a friend who is currently suffering through life as an electrical tool. Tell them, "It will get better. I know what you're going through because I, too, have..." 

7. Pickled ginger and wasabi just make sushi better. I guess you could call them...

8. When the Israelites were wandering in the desert for forty years, one of them (who was an emergency medicine physician) became suddenly hungry, and shouted, " "Nurse! I need..." 

9. When I was in tird grade I finally quit sucking my...

10.  No! You can't play with that Barbie. She's...

11. I realize that Arthur Curry is a man. I get that part, but I don't understand the purpose of the prefix. What is the... 

12. What do you call a town best known for simple arithmetic?

13. In my estimation, Daniel Craig gets the bronze and Pierce Brosnan the silver, but Sean Connery will always be the... 

14. Sorry for giving you COVID, Bullwinkle. I feel bad that I... 

15. Why did the acetaminophen stay at an aviary in Bangkok? Because it's a...

16. What did Humphrey Bogart hurry home?

17. A wanted to make an omelet, so I bought a dozen grade-A jumbos. But when I cracked them open, they all had little pieces of Terpsichore, Calliope, or Euterpe. I immediately called the grocery store and informed them that they inadvertently sold me... 

18.  I can't stop coughing and the only cure is 12 androids. Please let me have my... 

Answer options:

Answer key:

1. Ex-LAX

2. Dime Tap

3. May Lox

4. It sued a fed

5. Lacked Ade

6. Been a drill

7. Roll aids

8. Manna, stat!

9. Tums

10. My doll

11. Aqua for?

12. Addville

13. Gold Bond

14. Made a moose ill

15.  Thailand Owl

16. To see Bacall

17. Muse in eggs

18. Robot dozen

With warmest regards,

Zach

How to Craft a Winning College Application

Dear Friends,

This month's Hard Taco song, "Write Your Own Book," is a love letter to a kid who is grown up enough to know that parenting is imperfect. We will never stop wanting to give Scarlett advise, and never stop having opinions about her choices, but half of those lessons and opinions are are complete garbage. This song is about hoping she has the wisdom to recognize the good half. 

This has been on my mind this week because we are in the final throes of college admissions season. After hundreds of hours of work and worry, she has a bouquet of acceptance letters in her inbox, and some tough choices to make in the next few weeks,

Along the way, she learned some effective strategies for presenting your best self in a college application. If you are a rising high school senior, I suggest you commit the rest of this digest to memory, preferably by chanting it word-for-word in a mystical drone over the school's PA system. This will obviate the need for you or your classmates to obtain a guidance counselor, a private college admissions consultant, or any other earthly companions.

Foremost, your common application must feature evidence of leadership experience. If you don't have a position in student government, consider taking a position in student shadow government. In most schools, the elected student body officials form a subservient front organization through which a cryptocratic cabal of dissidents exercises true power, shielded from scrutiny of the puppet administration. There are plenty of leadership opportunities within these covert student societies. The Student Freemasons organize school dances and assemblies. The Central Bank Club is responsible for Spirit Week. The Young Globalist Elites plan community outreach activities. And of course, the Senior Class New World Order manipulates bake sales to achieve world domination. 

The next thing to focus on is your GPA. When a teacher grades your test and puts a big red F at the top, you can just get your own red pen and turn it into an A before posting the test to your refrigerator. This continues to be the #1 method to fool parents, but the F will still be on your transcript. A better solution is to leave the F, but write "cool a" in from of it, then upload the test as supplementary material to the application. The admissions reviewer will then say, "Well, this student failed a lot of classes, but shouldn't we take a chance on someone who is cool af?"

Some schools still rely on standardized test scores, even though the SAT and ACT are poor indicators of a student's readiness for college. They unfairly benefit students from wealthier backgrounds, and fail to measure problem-solving skills, critical thinking, or creativity. Recent evidence suggests that SAT scores have a strong correlation with only one thing... how delicious and tender the student is when cooked on a rotisserie. You should be wary of schools that put a lot of emphasis on standardized test scores. They are probably just trying to boost their rankings or reinforce cannibalistic fraternity hazing rituals. 

Finally, you will need to solicit letters of recommendation from a trusted adult who knows you well enough to describe your skills, accomplishments, and personality. If you're hoping to pursue a humanities major, aim to get a letter of recommendation from Malala Yousefzai.  If you're going for a a degree in the social sciences, a personalized letter about your character strengths from Jane Goodall will go a long way. If you're not sure what your academic focus is going to be, you should cover your bases with letters of recommendation from both Frederick Douglass and Vincent Van Gogh. Just be sure to ask for the letters at least a month before you need it, and preferably before they have been dead for over 130 years. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

One Nice Thing about Each Michigan Corporation

Dear Friends,

A major ice storm hit southeast Michigan last week. Like most Ann Arborites, our home was bereft of electricity for several days. With my self-imposed song release schedule in jeopardy, I had an important decision to make: Do I postpone recording until DTE, our energy company, repairs the power lines? Or do I record the song on a hand-cranked electricity-free Edison wax cylinder phonograph? 

By the second day of the blackout, the decision had been made for me. Home Depot was completely out of hand-cranked Edison wax cylinder phonographs. Everyone else in town must have had the same idea.

The power came back on Friday night. Phew! DTE used to be called the Detroit Edison Company, so in a way, it was still Thomas Edison who saved the day for me, and provided for this month's Hard Taco song, "Explain It To Me Like I'm Fievel." 

DTE is just one of the many Michigan-based mega-corporations to whom I owe a great debt. As a way of thanking these companies for their contributions to our local and global economies, I have decided to write something nice about each of them.

DTE - Like I said, they used to be called Detroit Edison. So, what does the T stand for? I called the company to ask, and they didn't know, but they estimated they would have the answer for me by Monday. On Monday morning, I called again, and they said they had teams working on my question around the clock, and now estimated I would have an answer by Friday. The take home point is that T probably stands for Terrific, and they're just being humble. 

Ford - I've heard rumors that the eponymous founder of Ford Motors was an unabashed anti-Semite. That is demonstrably false, and these pictures should provide all the evidence you need. 

Kellogg's - The factory in Battle Creek is known worldwide as the #1 destination for elementary school field trips. Kids get to put on goggles, stand behind a one-way mirror, and watch mechanical arms violently smash high fructose corn syrup into the shape of brown flakes.

Whirlpool - This appliance company gained market share by naming themselves after a seafarer-killing natural disaster. So audacious! I would like to see some of these other languishing organizations follow suit: 

• LifeCycle Fitness should become Life Cyclone Fitness
• Outback Steakhouse should become Drought-back Steakhouse
• Lunchables should become Avalunchables
• The US Postal Service should become Mail-strom
• NATO should become TorNATO

Little Caesar's - The pizza chain came under fire for failing to disclose that their meats were tainted with antibacterial agents, hormones, and bacterial hormones. (Testosterone squeezed out of amoebas gives their pepperoni that appetizing luster!) In response to this backlash, the company launched a publicity campaign to convey their commitment to transparency about the sources of their ingredients. 

General Motors - America's largest automaker boasts an extraordinary portfolio of defunct and discontinued cars: Pontiac, Saturn, Geo, Hummer, Saab, Oldsmobile, and many more. In fact, it's hard to think of a non-existent line of cars that was not made by GM!

Wiccan Loans - A great option for refinancing a triple moon pentagram altar, soy spell candles, and low-interest obsidian rune spheres.

Domino's Pizza - Tom Monaghan, the founder of Domino's, is an avid pro-life philanthropist. This ideology permeates the entire Domino's corporate culture. One time, I accidentally ordered a pizza before I was ready to eat one, so I called Domino's right away to cancel the order. The employee admitted that the pizza had not been prepared yet, but she still refused. "People who cancel pizza orders are haunted by it for the rest of their lives," she told me, "Just wait for Delivery. If you still don't have room for this little miracle when it arrives, you can give it to someone else who does."

Dow Chemical - The plastics giant is your one-stop shop for anything that starts with poly- and ends with -ene: Polystyrene, polyethylene, polypropylene, polytetrafluoroethylene, polyps causing gangrene, and polyester dipped in kerosene.

What if the Power Goes Out Again?

It has been nearly 20 years since I failed to have a song ready by the first day of the month. It has been a good long run, but it's only a matter of time until some unanticipated conflict derails my pathologically obsessive and inconsequential schedule restrictions. It might be a power failure, a hardware failure, or a family or medical emergency. Whatever the cause, you will know when it happens, because I will release a song called, "Dreaming at the Top of My Lungs." I recorded that tune in 2006, and it was so bad, I decided it was better to bury it in the archives rather than give it the undue honor of monthly song status. But it's sitting there in the vault, waiting to be called up as soon as I cut both arms off in an angle grinder or have a mild case of writer's block.

With warmest regards,

Zach

Heavy is the Tooth That Wears the Crown

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for February is called, "The Landshark and the Seahorse." This earworm will crawl into your auditory canal and pose for pictures while planting its wormy flag in your temporal lobe. Your master's degree in parasitology may help you understand the earworm's life cycle, but it won't help you get rid of it. 

Trigger warning: I'm going to mention tooth decay. 

Me and my teeth have been through a lot together. I've had chips, cracks, erosions, irregular bites, defective teething rings, fang failure, and pathologically good breath. Sadly, over the last few months, I spent more time in the dentist's chair than on the treadmill. Fortunately, I have never really suffered from tooth decay (I WARNED YOU IT WAS COMING). However, I have been through almost every mainstream dental procedure, and here is what I've learned. 

Teeth cleaning - A semiannual scouring of the jawline is required to scoop out all the tartar sauce that builds up in front of your tongue. Upon completion, you will be rewarded with a plastic goodie bag containing a thumbnail-sized box of floss and a thumb-sized box of toothpaste. According to the ADA, you must use these samples sparingly because they need to last the full six months until your next cleaning. Of course, why would you trust your dental health to the Americans with Disabilities Act?

Veneers - Commercial insurance covers one hit of high-flow nitrous oxide gas per billable dental procedure. However, placing a veneer is completely painless; you won't need the anesthesia, so your dentist will most likely hit that whippet herself beforehand. The veneer is then affixed with the help of both a dental hygienist... and a gentle high dentist.

Fillings - So I'm talking to my buddy Chad, and I says, "Chad, did you know that tooth enamel is the hardest substance in the human body?" So my main man Chad turns to me, and says (get this), "Bro, my body's got something harder, if you know what I mean!" Oh man, that one had us in stitches! Chad is such a good guy, and it's really nice that he can have a sense of humor about swallowing all that elemental boron with a hardness quotient of 277 gigapascals. 

Crowns - The process of placing a crown is a two-visit procedure. During the first visit, the dentist will prepare the tooth and create a molding. During the second visit (the coronation), can archbishop will place the crown upon your tooth while trumpeters sound a fanfare, church bells ring, and hundreds of rock doves are released into the waiting room. 

Depulping - Your carious bicuspid has been very naughty and needs a good one of these.

Extraction - It's far too risky for the oral surgeon to just walk into his office and extract your tooth. He must first conduct aerial and satellite reconnaissance of the office's layout and security measures, identify a weak point in the perimeter, locate the molar and gather intel on any receptionists or dental assistants that could impede removal. He then must move quickly to the pre-determined extraction point, where the tooth will rendezvous with support units and be exfiltrated from the gums. This is followed by a full debrief of the mission to your insurance company.  

Bonding - If one of your incisors gets chipped, the dentist can tint a resin to match the shade of your tooth, affix it, and buff it down. In some posh West L.A. suburbs, there are dentists who will perform this same procedure on a chipped Tostito, so that the Brentwood kids can have cosmetically perfect snacks in their lunchboxes.

Root canal - The root canal, along with giving birth, passing a kidney stone, and being kicked in the balls, is considered one of the four quintessentially painful experiences that the human body may endure. As someone who has been through all four in the same week, I'd take root canals ALL DAY. 

With warmest regards,

Zach

Fortress Party 2022

Dear Friends.

The Hard Taco song for January 2023 is called "Unwalked."  I only had one week between Fortress Party and heading out of town for a long vacation, so this one is a bit... experimental. That means it involves burps and animal noises because that's what we had on hand. 

And since I borough up Fortress Party, I have a lot of content to share/document for posterity. If you're curious, but not ready for a deep dive, here's Scarlett's annual video tour of the Fortress. 

And if you're ready for that deep dive, take a deep breath and plug your nose, because here are room-by-room pics and videos.

• The British Museum
• Queen Elizabeth II Tribute Concert
• The Tower of London
• Belly of a Whale
• Pedal Pub
• Neurology Resident Room
• Fortle
• Happy Little Trees
• FanFiction
• Down Under

With warmest regards,

Zach

Fortress Party 2022 - Down Under

One of our steering committee members moved to Australia for a year. Rather than crying about it like a whiny little baby, we decided to leverage this to set up simultaneous forts on both sides of the world. But before you could get to Australia, you had to get completely flipped upside down so we built the hallway like some kind of gravitational vortex. 

Our starting time of 7 pm on Saturday was 11 am in Sydney, so they built a moderate-sized fort and zoomed with us all afternoon. 

Eventually, we had actual Australians join the call, too (not shown). The rest of the room was filled with quintessential stuff from Down Under. 

The sign on the left announced that these were famous Austeralian celebrities. In fact, they were regular non-Australian celebrities or characters with their heads on Australian animals. DINGO Starr, Aaron KookaBURRa, Michael CANE TOAD, Alan AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD, Keegan Michael KIWI, KOALA Yusufzai, The CROCK, KANGAROO-dy Giuliani, TASMANIAN Neville, WALLABY-one Knowles, and Kar-EMU Abdul-Jabbar. 

Shown here, both U.S. and Australian Fort-Builders pointing two clothespins hanging from their T-shirts. 

Fortress Party 2022 - FanFiction

One of our Fortress Party Steering Committee members collects and refurbishes old fans. It seemed like a good fit fort Fortress Party, which is often stuffy and warm. 

The original concept of FanFiction was that fan-headed mannequins would take on the roles of famous literary characters from popular culture. Eventually, we decided to leave them as mute models, but they certainly provided additional air circulation. 

Beverage options included FAN-ta, SpinDrift, and Beer on DRAFT.

A TV displayed a constantly cycling video of literary characters from pop culture with fans instead of heads. 

And before the TV an enticing bright blue button. When pushed, it would display a narrative story featuring two or more of these fan-headed characters. 

Here are all of those videos, including "Some Friendly Neighborhood Pig," which was inadvertently left out of the 

"Indiana Jones and the Cryptid's Revenge"

"Little Avenger Annie"

"Saved by the Hannah Montana"

"Untitled Game of Thrones, Star Wars, Harry Potter Battle"

"With This Ring"

"Deadpool Knows He's in a Fort"

"Some Friendly Neighborhood Pig" 

(Despite being the longest and most character-driven, this one was inadvertently left off the playlist at Fortress Party, so it is being seen here for the first time!)