Fortress Party 2016 Retrospective, Part 6: The Cull-In Show and Cro Magnon Manor

In 2016, the most contentious issue in the Ann Arbor city council was the proposed deer cull. Do we suffer the deer to galavant about our neighborhoods, decimating our tulip population?  Or do we hire sharpshooters to put them out of their galavanting misery? 

This was fresh in people's minds at Fortress Party 2016, when we decided to have an interactive deer-giving-advice room called The Cull-In Show.

 

There were three deer columnists, Deer Abby, Lan Antlers, and Dan Staggage, and they gave... advice from the hart.

Guests would type questions into a computer, and the AI advice columnist would answer them, using words from the entered text. The advice, of course, was generally deer-themed. (All of the response skeletons, written by Jason and Rich, are in the Appendix below.)

In the deepest reaches of the basement, Cro Magnon Manor was made from crinkled butcher paper, which made it look remarkably cave-like. This was the first Fortress room with walls and ceiling made with something other than sheets.

The remains of a lone caveman sat in the corner, wrapped in leopard pelt, holding a spear, and reading a book about the Paleo Diet. 

The walls of the cave were covered with paintings, which told stories from a forgotten time.

The walls were also decorated with B.C. comics.

The view of the mouth of the cave from inside. I'm pretty proud of how much those walls actually look like they are carved out rock. 

Appendix: Cull-In Show Responses 

(by Jason and Rich)

Muhammad Ali said that a man who views the [noun] the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life. Open your mind and your [noun]. Mingle with strangers at the salt lick. You might surprise yourself. 

 

"The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried." Push past your fear of [noun], and focus on your end goal. There used to be a fence around a garden on Vorhies that I tried to jump a thousand times. When I finally made it over, no hosta had ever tasted so sweet. 

 

When [adjective] men begin to cast big shadows, it means that the sun is about to set. Work locally and [verb] globally, and we'll all get through this. Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson. 

 

Texting and driving has real consequences. I've lost more friends than I care to count to this scourge of the modern age. It can wait! 

 

Thanks for your question. It's cliche, but true: [noun] heals all wounds. . . with the exception of bullet through your hindquarters, which will cause you to slowly bleed out as you stumble wildly through the branches and brambles of your once idyllic life. 

 

Your question about [noun] reminds me of something that my friend Remi experienced when he was in school. I'd like to tell you how he handled it, but he was eviscerated in a ditch by crows after being hit by some joyriding high school kids out by the lake. 

 

Romance isn't dead, but my uncle Remus is. He was hit by a semi while crossing I-75 in search of his true love. Forget about [noun] and seize the day in his honor! 

 

The most important thing here is not to overreact to the situation. You know what is really [adjective]? Rallying behind a city-sanctioned bloodbath just because a deer ate some of your hostas. Show some empathy here.

 

A [noun] is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for. Ornamental greenery looks great around a country home, what that's not what greenery is for. Greenery is for eating. The world would be a safer place without ships and ornamental greenery, but then we wouldn't have spice routes and the mass slaughter of cute hoofed creatures. 

Keep in mind that the true [noun] of an individual is how he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good. Take a 52-year-old government employee sitting in the rented Ford Focus, idling on the side of the street at 4am with his rilfe trained on an open field. He can kill that momma deer and her four adolescents, or he can [verb] a few of them and call it a night. No one will know. Except god, that mug of Holiday Inn Express coffee in the cup holder and Mayor Taylor.  

You're going to need to decide whether to approach your [noun] situation with an open hand, or a closed fist. Frankly, I envy your options, as I am burdened with these loathsome hooves. 

 

[Plural noun] may be disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them. Except highly trained deer trackers flown in on a local government contract, hell bent on shooting you, your [noun], and your family. Those guys recognize everything.

Here's a way to think about your [noun] situation. Imagine you had a bank that each morning credited your account with $1,440 - with one condition: whatever part of the $1,440 you failed to use during the day would be erased from your account, and no balance would be carried over. What would you do? You'd draw out every cent every day and use it to your best advantage. Well, you do have such a bank, and its name is time. Every morning, this bank credits you with 1,440 minutes. And it writes off as forever lost whatever portion you have failed to invest to good purpose. Now, if you're a deer and you're account has $1,440 in it every morning, it's a different story. I mean, how the heck did you open a bank account? Is some kind of trust feeding that checking account? Can your hooves even punch out your PIN number at a standard ATM without making three mistakes and the machine swallowing your card? Sounds like we're going to need a little more detail to sort all this out.

 

In the end, it's not what you [verb] for your children but what you've taught them to do for themselves. And if that something is murder man ... hats off to you. The resistance begins now.

 

You have a [noun], and you need to know whether you are you better off with it or without it. Draw two columns in the dirt with your hoof. The column on the left is for pros. The column on the right is for cons. When you're done scratching in the dirt for two hours, you'll know the answer.

People who drink to drown their [noun] should be told that [noun] knows how to swim. Like my cousin Biffy. He saw this YouTube video of a moose crossing a river and he was all like, "Watch this." By the time they finished picking him out of the turbines, it was mating season, so we just moved on to the next adventure.

 

Today's unspeakable perversion is tomorrow's kink, is next week's good clean fun. Deer fucking: Just hear me out. 

We all have our [plural nouns] and we all have our scars. That's what life is all about: revealing your scars to somebody who then shows you theirs. Winter of 2015, down by the Wendy's. Sniper in the blind. Oh, yours is from the Winter of 2016? Open field next to the elementary school? Good times. Wanna rut?

 

The Bible is only as good and [adjective] as the person reading it. Same goes for Field & Stream. Some great articles on fishing. GREAT articles on fishing. It's the whole deer stalking and killing and cooking and eating that I have trouble with.

 

[Noun] is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual [noun], sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. 

 

Let this coming year be better than all the others. Vow to [verb] more often, even if you don't think you have the time. Call up a forgotten friend. Drop an old grudge, and replace it with some [adjective] memories. Vow not to make a promise you do not think you can keep. Walk tall, and smile more. You will look 10 years younger. Do not be afraid to say, I love you. Say it again. They are the sweetest words in the world. Perhaps most importantly, take up a hobby that doesn't involve blowing holes through the heads of docile, peaceful herbivores. 

 

Before you can tackle your [noun] situation, you have to decide what is more important to you. The friendship, or your life? Roads are dangerous, have your buddy cross first and see what happens. 

 

Life if full of [adjective] questions. Would you rather be killed by a hunter, or mauled by wolves? Will you die of starvation, or of brain wasting disease? You are much more likely to be hit by a Honda Civic than to die of old age, so focus on the now.

 

Allegedly, there's a great movie about [noun], but I see enough grisly deer death in my own life. I don't need to see it in the cinema too. 

 

Ostensibly, you are asking about [noun], but there is a subtext to that question that offends me. But, if you must know, venison pairs well with any full-bodied red, particularly some of these modern Spanish reds that have been popping up on the shelves. 

 

I know exactly what you really mean when you say "[noun]", and frankly I find the question repulsive and in poor taste. If you must know, we have a flavor reminiscent of beef, but it's richer and can have a gamey note. We tend to have a finer texture that's leaner than comparable cuts of beef. However, like beef, leaner cuts can be tougher as well. Sicko. 

 

You tell me all about your favorite [noun] and I'll tell you my favorite movie. I bet you think I'm going to say "Not Bambi!," or "certainly not The Deer Hunter!" The truth is that I prefer stage productions and light opera. 

 

The first day of hunting season in Michigan is October 1, so whatever you [verb], figure it out before then, and stick to the indoors. 

 

I have had great experiences with [noun], but I will say that my experiences with men wearing plaid and an orange cap have been decidedly negative. 

 

Are you looking for Mr. [noun] or Mr. Right? Sometimes Mr. Right has been in front of you the whole time. He's just wearing camouflage.