Fortress Party 2018 Retrospective, Part 1B: The Wren Faire (Puffin Tumble, Rapunzel Chicken Sings, Joust)

The Wren Faire was full of historically accurate entertainment options. Rapunzel Chicken Sings featured a stuffed Angry Bird doll with about 10 blonde wigs pinned to its head in series. When someone pushed the red button, a speaker behind Rapunzel would play one a Bird Song. 

We made these songs by downloading karaoke versions, having Lauren sing them (often with modified lyrics), and adding a filter to her voice to make it sound an octave higher. Sometimes, like in "Blackbird," the auto-tune failed completely and chose a dramatically different key for the vocals. We figured Rapunzel Chicken was just a little pitchy sometimes, so we went with it.

The video of celebrity birds was playing in a different room, but for the sake of this retrospective, I mixed it with clips of some of the Rapunzel songs. (It's hard enough to get through this four minute video, let alone listen to the full versions of each of these screechy songs.)

 

In the depths of our deep storage room, there was a functioning game of Joust projected on a sheet. The controllers on the table in the foreground give a sense of size. 

Puffin Tumble was supposed to mimic the bawdy comedy shows at Ren Faires. 

Lady Bird (a.ka. Perty Birdie) and Bard Bird (a.k.a. Diry Birdie) told off-color jokes and sang risqué songs. We figured no one would be listening too closely, so we didn't close this room off to kids. 

Here is the full Puffin Tumble recording, in all of its disgusting glory, including the dirty bird songs we found to accompany their act.

Supplement: Puffin Tumble script

Bard Bird: 

Hail and well met, good lady! I’ve just flown in from Phoenix, and boy, are mine arms tired! My hollow, lightweight bones are weary and long for a respite.  

Lady Bird: 

Good morrow and welcome! Might I fetch you a tankard of ale to wet your beak? 

Bard Bird: 

Aye! And might you share one with me? Long have I been in migration. It was the sweet song of your voice on the breeze that lured me here to divine the heavenly source. Perch with me, perch with me, kind lady. 

Lady Bird: 

You flatter me, kind sir, but you doth not fool me. You dribble sweet words into my ear from your honeyed tongue. But you are far too practiced at your song of seduction! You are but a freebird seeking to feast on mine seed before depositing yours. 

Bard Bird: 

Dear lady! Remove thine beak from mine heart! My words aren’t practiced. I am winging it, moved as I am by your sublime visage and vibrant plumage. Please, allow me to illustrate my most virtuous of intentions with a song of fellowship and good tidings! 

Lady Bird:

I hold no dominion over you. Sing your song, knave, loud and true. And then begone, lest I stick you with a very large bill. 

Bard Bird: 

Thank you, sweet lady, for indulging me. I hope this song might alleviate your fowl mood. I sing for you now The Ballad of the Cock & Tits:

Traveled long and hard and hot, the wayward cock sought rest.

Soaking wet and glistening sweat, he headed toward yon nest. 

Two tits within there welcomed him, he thrust himself between them. 

Warm and moist, he thrice rejoiced, coughing out a milky phlegm.

Warm and moist, he thrice rejoiced, coughing out a milky phlegm.

Yes, yes, yes, good song, good song!

Lady Bird: 

That was splendid, good sir! Please forgive me my earlier stormy disposition. I knew not you were a gentleman of such gifts. I will join you for that ale, if it is not too much a burden. 

Bard Bird:

A burden? No! You, sweet lady, look light as a feather, and I am stiff as a board. Let us all hoist our tankards! 

(Song: “I Went to the Market to Buy a Cock”)

Lady Bird:

Ah, it does my spirit good to be among such a merry group of revelers! Perhaps I might return the favour with a joke? What did the bird of prey say when his wife laid a snowy plover egg?

Well, this is hawkward! A-ha-ha-ha-ha! Now, another song! 

(Song: “Has Anybody Seen My Cock?”)

Bard Bird:

Good masters! Sweet ladies! I know of but one way to help this party take flight: SHOW US YOUR TITS, BOOBIES, AND PECKERS! Tits, boobies, and peckers of course being assorted types of birds. Ah, ornithology does give me a cheep thrill. And now, my cloaca aches for another song! 

(Song: “The Bantam Cock”)

Lady Bird:

My lords and pheasants. We are here to sing for you all night, and it’s exhausting. I feel like I’m huffin’ and puffin’.

Bard Bird:

Well I’m just puffin!

Lady Bird:

We are Puffin Tumble. I’m the Perty Birdie.

Bard Bird:

And I’m the Dirty Pirdie.

Lady Bird:

And you’re the lucky duckies who get to hear our next song.

(Song: “The Cuckoo’s Nest”)

Lady Bird:

Thank you, kind revelers. If you like our show, be sure to tweet about us. Or retweet. #puffintumble #bawdybirdies #welovepoopingoncars

Bard Bird:

Now raise your cup, or if you’re turkey, raise your gobble gobble gobblet, and let’s have another song.

(Song: “Has Anybody Seen My Cock?” v2) 

Lady Bird:

Oh, dirty birdy, you don’t look well.

Bard Bird:

No, I have CHIRPIES. It’s a CANARIAL disease. It’s unTWEETable.

Lady Bird:

Well, that might make it harder to pick up CHICKS. Perhaps another song will cheer you up.

(Song: “Three Birds”)