Thursday, January 28, 2021

Fortress Party 2019 Retrospective, Part 4 - Chernobyl Humane Society

The Chernobyl Humane Society was a wonderful place to meet adorable mutant animals and help them find their Forever Homes. The animals' profiles are all listed below.

Meet Yaroslav


What’s the high frequency buzzing noise emanating from this little guy’s head? At first, we thought he was purring, but now we think it is the sound of his DNA strands rapidly turning over and smashing into each other. Yaroslav is impeccably sweet and adores a good ear scratch. The mutation has given him the power to control minds, but he rarely forces our volunteers to commit acts of unspeakable violence.  If you have a quiet home for this gent, with no children under 5, he is ready to meet you today!

Meet Commissar


Commissar has blown us all away! When this sweetheart Beagle-cephalopod mix first came to us, she liked to hide most of the time. However, little by little she began sprouting vestigial limbs and venturing out. As she learned that humans would respect her space, she became braver by the day! A patient adopter who gives Commissar time and space to acclimate to her new home will have no trouble winning her trust!

Meet Masha (Left)


Hey there! My name is Masha and I want to go home with you! I can be kind of shy at first, but if you offer me some time and a liter or two of vodka, I do warm up to new people. I would prefer to go to a quiet home with older kids, and as I mentioned, plenty of vodka.

Meet Katia (Right)


Look at this beautiful 2-year-old whose life was uprooted when her owner was placed in an internment camp for re-education. Katia has disavowed any connection to the Enemy of the People and is ready to slither back into the new society, and into your heart!


Meet Goulash


Are you looking for adventure? Allow Goulash to lead the way! He’s a wily young lad, on the search for a new best bud who wants to rollick and romp. His adorable wiggle-butt is sure to spark joy for anyone lucky enough to witness it. Goulash needs a human with lots of time, energy, and snacks to reward his triumphs. Most days, he lies with his face planted in the floor and writhes, but he is eager to learn new skills and make new friends. Come meet him today!

Meet Zoya and Nadya


Go ahead and pet these feisty hens and see what happens.

Meet Olga


Olga is an adorable 4-month-old something-or-another who was found in the wreckage of the cooling tower. She literally glows! She will be a wonderful companion for an active family who loves her big personality and owns Hazmat suits. Adopting an unrecognizable organic mass is a lot of fun but it also requires a large time commitment. She will need training and playtime and will look to you for guidance and proper care whenever her gums won’t stop bleeding, which is 24 hours a day. 

Meet Ruble


Where did Ruble come from? We’re not exactly sure, because this species is not indigenous to Russia (or Earth), but she is perfectly fabulous in every way and ready to party in a noisier forever home. Ruble is truly effervescent. Nothing makes her happier than curling up with some glowsticks and some sick EDM beats.


Meet Pytor and Svin’ya (Left)


Who is host with the most Glastnost? That would be Pyotr, who has been hosting to the most adorable parasite! We thought the growth on Pyotr’s rash was just a Gorbachev-inspired tattoo, but it turned out to be Svin’ya, a freeloading fetal pig growing under his scalp. These two are literally inseparable, so please consider adopting them as a pair! (Contagion alert: If you pet Pyotr, we recommend you wash your hands with bleach before touching your own forehead.)  

Meet Boris (Right)


Last week, when I was at home asleep in my own bed, I startled awake, and Boris was sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, quietly staring at me. “Boris,” I said, with a nervous laugh, “How did you get out of your cage, find your way 20 miles to my house, and get through two locked doors without any signs forced entry? Let’s get you back to the shelter!” The same thing happened again last night. Please adopt Boris. I’m moving to Siberia and will not leave a forwarding address.

Meet Natalia


Whoever said that two heads aren’t better than one? This feathery, sassy senior is sure to add some spark to your life. Natalia is looking for a forever home with no contraband. She is intensely loyal and will turn you over to the KGB if she can prove you’ve been keeping banned books under your mattress. She loves the outdoors, censorship, and going for walks. She is housebroken and has also been trained to jam foreign radio stations. 

Meet Pavel


Pavel is a vigorous young lad with an energetic disposition. This vivacious pony is so full of zip! Pavel prefers to go to a home with lots of space, because let’s be clear: he loves to run! He is just so active, lively, and vivacious. He is nothing if not hearty and vital. The four words that describe Pavel to a tee are always on the go. Adopt him today and see for yourself!

We were happy to see that at the end of the night, several of the animals went home with new owners.

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