Jimmy Fallon Ruined My Month

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for May is called "Praise the Lo-Fi." 

I put a lot of effort into trying to make mediocre performances sound good and fake instruments sound real. For this song, I went the extra mile to try to make it sound bad again. Surprisingly, it is much harder to make something sound under-produced than to make it sound over-produced. Go figure. 

We made a few more Marvel-themed parodies this month, and I want to take a minute to complain about this first one, "We Didn't Stop with Hydra," which is exactly what the world needs... another parody of "We Didn't Start the Fire."  

This is arguably the crown jewel of the VH1da-Vision catalog, and it is also represents one of my lowest moments in the last year. 

Allow me to expose the magnitude of my shame. First off, I couldn't take on this project until I finished watching all the Marvel superhero films and Disney+ shows. So that alone was probably 50 hours of research. On top of that, I spent close to 15 hours working on the lyrics, and about 30 hours recording the music and editing the video, most of which was spent finding and trimming movie clips from YouTube. 

So in the middle of this pointlessly backbreaking effort, I went to YouTube to find a clip from the original Billy Joel video. The second thing that came up in response to my search was "Avengers: Endgame Cast Sings We Didn't Start the Fire." 

And my heart dropped into my pelvis. 

Jimmy Fallon and his Tonight Show flunkies did a video parody of the same song... about the same thing. Not only that, but they had the the actual Avengers cast singing it. And here I am, countless hours deep into my own sad version which, by the way, does not feature original singing and dancing by Robert Downey Jr. and Paul Rudd. 

And I'd like to go on record at this point to mention that I have always hated the original song, so humming the melody in my head over and over again was already a kind of torture. 

So now I had a choice. I could throw in the proverbial towel (knowing that the most poignant proverbs are about towels), hang my poor head in shame, or... 

I could make the best damn Avengers-themed parody... no, the Best. Damn. Overall. Parody of "We Didn't Start the Fire" that the world has seen in 30 years.   

This was going to be a big lift, but a journey of a thousand towels starts with one towel. The problem is, some hack publishes a new spoof of "We Didn't Start the Fire" every 90 minutes or so. There are versions about Star Wars, Star Trek, Donald Trump, video games, Manga, SpongeBob, The Simpsons, Harry Potter, The Hobbit, and even My Little Pony (I'm serious). And, of course, there are countless versions trying to encapsulate world events not covered in the original song. Somebody even wrote a meta-parody about how often the song is parodied.

It's like the Aristocrats joke. Everyone in this business has to do a version, and every version makes you feel awful in a completely different way. 

So here is mine. Let me know if you agree it is the best ever. If I can get 10 views on YouTube, I will know I will consider that a victory. 

And here are the other two we did this month. I defy all you My Little Pony fans to create fan-art to the tune of "Two Princes" and "Milkshake," even if they do sound like good names for ponies.   

With warmest regards,

Zach

Much More Magical Marvel Movie Music

Dear Friends,

I never thought I'd miss the hustle and bustle, until all we had was hustle. But after a long bustle-free year, it's finally starting to feel like we are on the home stretch. Inch by inch, we are returning to the places, people, and activities that we have missed, and it's exhilarating. It's like starting to walk again after your broken foot has been in a boot. It's tentative at first, but you know that you'll be able to run again soon, and just hope that your body remembers how. The new Hard Taco song, "When I Smell the Barn," tries to capture this sense of anticipation. 

My family and I have continued to work on Marvel movie-themed parody videos. While I stand firmly against all flavors of musical snobbery, the parody is undoubtedly the bottom rung of on the ladder of musical artistry. It is the lyrical equivalent of the Dad Joke, often equally worthy of a groan as a chuckle. But like a good Dad Joke, it is easily accessible and may be enjoyed more than once. I'm particularly proud of this first one, whose thumbnail image speaks to its... accessibility.

With warmest regards,

Zach

Scrapbooks, WandaVision, Iron Man

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for March is called "Scrapbooking." Lauren and I dipped our toes in the gluey waters of decorative album-making when Scarlett was a bambino. We bought a poofy scrapbook, scissors that made triangular cuts, and plenty of fungible sticker letters. Each garish page told a different chapter in the story of Scarlett's journey from energetic fetus to meconium-coated newborn to chubby cherub in a portable bathtub. 

Fifteen years later, I can't remember if this was supposed to be ironic or not. It is certainly cute, and I love revising the baby pictures. I just can't tell how earnest we were when we labelled one of the pages LOUNGIN' or when we made a tiny green envelope to hold part of her umbilical stump. The song "Scrapbooking" imagines where we would be today if we kept going down that rabbit hole. 

But this month, we are introducing a new endeavor that is, in some ways, akin to scrapbooking. It's called VH1da-Vision.  The title is a mash-up between the music video channel VH1 and WandaVision, the Marvel superhero show that pays homage to several decades of sitcom tropes. VH1da-Vision imagines a channel that plays music videos from different eras, all of which are actually Marvel-themed parodies. Just go with it. 

So to kick things off, we have two videos. "Wanda Wall" sets the stage, and "A Jericho, Idiot" harkens to the opening scenes of the first MCU movie, Iron Man. Enjoy!

With warmest regards,

Zach

The Final-Ever-For-a-While Fortress Retrospective

Dear Friends,

This is 76th and (presumably) final Fortress Party retrospective blog. This has been magical and nostalgic in the best way, a biting reminder of how much I miss being with friends and family. I'm proud of all of the moments we created, and so grateful to the hundreds of people who contributed in ways great and small. 

I'm especially thankful for Lauren, who always manages to triumph at adulting without taking it too seriously. She is a joy magnet and a skyscraper of patience. She conquers planets and subverts pigeonholes, endures and thrives, sees wonder all around her, and appreciates special moments while they are happening. For years, her official Fortress Party title has been the Chief Tolerance Officer, but I prefer to call her the Fortress Buttress Mistress. 

And also, she rocks. In February's Hard Taco song, "Pretty Little Head," she once again proves herself to be whatever the female version of a heartthrob is. So dreamy! Enjoy the song, and these last few Fortress Party retrospectives. For now. 

Fortress Party 2018:

• The Wren Faire - Entrance, The Grizzly Beak, Madame Crow-Many
• The Wren Faire - Puffin Tumble, Rapunzel Chicken Sings, Joust
• Dia de los Muertos
• Geisha House and Clue
• Slytherin Common Room
• Sesame Street

Fortress Party 2019:

• Introduction
• Tibet Town Hall
• Tetras
• Chernobyl Humane Society
• Kilty Pleasure
• Area '51
• TSA Precheck and United Clotheslines
• Broadway in the Shire - Show Posters
• Broadway int the Shire - Frodo Sings!

Finally, here's a complete walk-through of Fortress Party 2019, with a few Easter eggs not seen in the previous installments. 

Will there be a Fortress Party 2020 Retrospective? There wasn't actually a party in 2020, was there? Or was there? Or WAS there? Or was THERE? 

With warmest regards,

Zach

Fortress Party 2019 Retrospective, Part 8B - Broadway in the Shire Songs

The highlight of Broadway in the Shire, of course, was Frodo Baggins singing hit musical showstoppers.

When guests pushed the button, one of Frodo's songs would play randomly. 

 

And just to mess with people, this video would come up every once in a great while.

Fortress Party 2019 Retrospective, Part 8A - Broadway in the Shire Show Posters

Broadway in the Shire first needed a convincing Hobbit Hole. While it was hard to find realistic-looking grass, we had a pretty good round door. 

And while Frodo sang Broadway hits (more on that later) the room was decorated with Lord of the Rings-themed musical show posters. 

For those of you who are curious about the process, here is the spreadsheet that had all the ideas for musicals and songs, including some that we never ended up recording. You can also see a long list of Lord of the Rings terms that I tried to find puns for, but failed. 

Fortress Party 2019 Retrospective, Part 7 - TSA Precheck and United Clotheslines

The entrance to Fortress Party 2019 was TSA Precheck, an elaborate maze of functioning airport security apparatuses.

Fortress Security Administration (FSA) agents wearing nitrile gloves would wave a metal detector over each guest to make sure they weren't packing heat. 

At the top left of this picture, you can see clocks showing the time in different parts of the world. The cities included Ann Arbor New York, Havana, Toronto, Panama City, Kingston, Bogota, and Quito. These cities are all in the same time zone, so the idea is that the clocks would show the exact same time. Unfortunately, the batteries fell out of a couple of them, so by time the party started, most of them were out of sync, and the joke was lost. 

Guests would then make their way down the gangplank onto their United Clotheslines plane ("United Fort 2019") where they could review the safety cards in seat in front of them, and enjoy a complimentary copy of HemisForts magazine.

Fortress Party 2019 came closer to a unifying theme than any of its recent predecessors, but I'm not sure if anyone noticed it. The theme was cryptozoology. The Loch Ness monster was in the Scotland Room, there were aliens in Area '51, the Yeti was in the Tibet Town Hall, and here we had Bigfoot ("Captain Squatch") piloting the plane. 

These seemingly diverse imaginary creatures were tied together by the in-flight entertainment, a music video for the Hard Taco song "Sightings." We also hinted at it by having the Captain announce that the flight would be making stops in each of the cryptids'... Lhasa (Yeti), Seattle (Bigfoot), Edinburgh (Nessie), and Roswell (little green men.) 

Here is a clip that just includes the entire loop that played in the room, including the safety video, words from the captain and flight attendants, the in-flight entertainment ("Sightings"), and the crash-landing into the side of a mountain. 

 

Above is a passengers' view of the safety video.